lilkellyg | Recent Entries

Since my son has no father and since my father doesn’t need anything more than the Tshirt and hat I bought him some times ago, I’ve been thinking about Father’s day as sorta my day to celebrate. Which is weird.

In fact when I was in the Hallmark store I saw a father’s day card for single mothers and I chuckled, because somehow that is absurd. But yes, indeed last year I got a call from JM on father’s day saying I deserved to celebrate on that day too because I’m being both mother and father to my kid.

I don’t know if that’s quite right or even possible because father’s really can’t be replaced.

Sure, it is somewhat sad that my kid has no father but that is just how it is sometimes, it IS part of the reason I’ve kept him tight with his grandfather.

So, in honor of father’s everywhere, in honor of the father I lost and the one I still have…

As a gift to myself more than anyone…

I got JM plane fare to go see his kids for father’s day and also to be able to be there should there be any bad news tomorrow from his son’s Dr. He’s been SO heartbreakingly sad and it was very cheap roundtrip.

It was really a no-brainer gift for father’s day because his kids need him, I can feel it. Even his ex-wife is happy he’s coming. So for less than some ‘gadget’ I might otherwise be tempted to blow some cash on I was able to give a gift that will make memories for an entire family.

I feel blessed and lucky to have been able to do it because I KNOW that he is a good father deeply missing his children. Children whom he allowed to move away so they could have a better home, and the DO have it finally, his ex just bought a home a couple months ago. He feels he made the right choice and he's happy to know his substantial support is putting a roof over their heads by paying a large chunk of the mortgage.

Family, is what we have not what we do not.

Maybe we can all be mother’s father’s sister’s and brothers to each other…love each other like family, help and receive depending upon where we are in our circumstances.

I suppose it is jealousy.

The night before last I unloaded on JM about the limitations that he puts on our relationship.

I bitched even though I know his reserve is meant to preserve our relationship, to keep it in the ‘cooler head’ area of friendship as opposed to the intensity of passion and expectation known as ‘romantic relationships’. I know he loves me but I was feeling resentful of the barriers he erects….or that ‘she’ erects.

So I told him that I thought it was the time for us to pull back and take a break so I can sort out things because I’ obviously not ok with our affection having no natural way to express itself.

He had no comment other than “I appreciate your honesty”

So when I saw him yesterday he requested a hug from me and then he hugged me, really hugged me, his strong arms around me.

( Read more... )

I find myself a nervous wreck. Things that should be enjoyable for me are anxiety producing. Today my son is moving up in rank for boy scouts and has his first piano recital and all I can think about is MY anxiety over having to mix with people. I feel so aggravated with myself.

Now that I am having the beginnings of what I fear is panic attacks I am thinking perhaps I should go for help before it gets worse.

The Dr thinks its dehydration and hypoglycemia which are causing my palpitations and dips in energy. I don’t know about the hypoglycemia but I had the test yesterday. I ended up crashing in the waiting room, first feeling awful and out of it mentally and then I started sleeping. After I came home I slept for two hours solid. Weird.

Whatever it is I believe my anxiety takes a LOT of adrenaline out of me and am half convinced that my fatigue is all adrenal fatigue.

I have the opportunity to apply and possibly get a job that would mean 25 grand more a year and then after six months 20 grand more than that. I would have to move two hours away where I don’t know anyone. I am frightened that I will be overwhelmed because I get so much help here. BUT

I really crave him, I can’t get enough, I want to touch his skin and taste him, hear his voice and see his smile. Its an animal thing. He has just enough dominance to flip my buttons but not so much as to be overly controlled or hard. It is difficult to resist.

So, she can’t get over the fact that we all fucked…FFS. SHE was involved eh? She was even an instigator and NOW she’s going to be so jealous she wants to eradicate me from their lives, meaning not just hers but HIS. I’ve been wavering back and forth between hurt and anger. Yes, I’m hurt and angry.

I will confess to the fact that having been ok with things before, the line she has drawn in the sand which now excludes me from existence has pushed me over the edge and yes whereas before I was ok, lately I’ve felt some jealousy.

What before was sweet and ok has become painful. He was showing me pictures of her, of her kids, of his family and friends…mostly the ‘family and friends’ part hurt because of the now clear delineation that I will NEVER meet them, can never meet them because of HER line.

He told me two days ago to change my number so she can’t harass me. I refuse to do that and the fact that he can’t even see why befuddles me.

Last night I finally told him that yes I was angry and hurt. He had seen me cry the other day but he didn’t know what about. So now he knows it was about him, about losing a friend in him. It doesn’t matter that HE wants to keep me in his life, because I can only remain there by being hidden and ‘reduced’ so as to not threaten her and I can’t really thrive there that way. So, I’ve been mourning what I see as his loss.

I’m not sure he can understand because he doesn’t think he’s going to lose anything…he’s a ok with with furtive phone calls to me and nothing more.

I don’t expect his knowing to change anything but at least it is known. He said he feels better to know too.

I suppose it gives me some insight into how S must feel about my life, a life he has no part of. It was one of the reasons I wanted him to meet my son. My son is very important to me. I would have him meet JM too if the opportunity should arise. Maybe I will too. I am done with this secret stuff.

I mentioned to my son how I dated someone and it was ‘difficult’ because my parents didn’t approve. He exclaimed, “Mom, you’re 40! Who cares what your parents say?” He then informed me that soon they’ll be in Heaven so that’s even more reason I should do what I think and not listen to them.

We started laughing, it really was just SO odd and funny that he was lecturing me like he was the old sage and I the young one. I didn’t explain the situation because I don’t know why but I just can’t bring myself to tell him that my parents are racists…I can’t, it is such an evil / ignorant thing, so I never mentioned what the ‘disapproval’ was about but oddly he surmised that it must have been groundless because he trusts MY judgment more than theirs.

Interesting…

Plus, he knows how my Mom talks to me and says all the time that she is just mean to me and I should ignore her.

He thought about it and thought about it, the fact that my parents would ‘disapprove of a guy I liked”, he guessed correctly, “I bet they never even saw or met the guy?’ ….”what do they know?” and the more he thought about it and talked to himself the more exasperated he got.

After a pause he said,

“I guess…yeah….you’ll just have to talk to me instead of them when they are telling you what to do because I’ll tell you to listen to yourself...because...because Mom!!!!! Really, sheesh....you’re 40 years old!!!!!

My arrythmia is tripping all over the place lately. I know I should go to the Dr but I just don't have the energy.

I am going to face how I feel, the ugly of it, the stuff I’ve been shoving down because its confusing.

I miss him, I resent that I can’t talk to him, reach out to him when I want. I resent at times that I can’t kiss him. The few times that he has kissed me its for the briefest of moments so I just begin to feel the craving when… his hesitance makes it feel wrong or naughty.

He likes to erect those boundaries so I have let him have them up til now because… because why? A little bit of it was I didn’t care, a little bit of it is that I wanted to take what I could have, a large part of it was that I too like boundaries and limitations.

I have to confess my own fears. I fear being cast again into ‘the one’ role and being found lacking in almost every way of my being. I'm still not sure I have the strength of self to stand against that again.

But really the ‘hidden’ aspect of all of the relationships I’ve been carrying on in these past years…

It is beginning to make me feel some shame...its becoming ‘not good enough’.

( Read more... )

My former co-worker called me yesterday to say she’d dreamt that I got a ‘dream job’. I joked with her that I hope she’s psychic. Maybe this job my friend is offering me is a ‘dream job’, maybe its not, I will try to stay very level until the offer is on the table and my vision is clear. All I DO know is I am I’m feeling more open to what the universe has to offer me. My current position has its stresses and there is little room for me to grow but it has its advantages, its stability and it is certainly not boring, I fear boredom.

Still I need to conceive of possibility.

( Read more... )

He commanded me to follow him, and said to hurry, he put me in a chair, and then took out his cock and told me to suck on it. I knew I wasn’t going to resist but part of me was, resistant.
( Read more... )

Well its been 1 month since I started yoga, and I'm blown away by the difference in the way I feel about my body. I was 135 this morning but I've decided that I don't care about the number on a scale even though I had wanted to get to 130 by my 9 year anniversary date. I need muscle and muscle weighs more...so.

I did my routine for 1 hour 10 minutes today and was able to concentrate because no kid, no puppy, and no pressing things to do.

Now I'm off to enjoy the convertible.

:)

Yesterday I weighed 131 lbs. Today 133. I didn’t do my yoga yesterday. I feel like I looked so exhausted and drawn. I wrote S a cranky ass letter saying when I’m ‘thin’ enough for him I’m lacking fat pads in my face and I look like shit. This is true, this is why Hollywood chicks get their butt fat put in their faces, because its not natural for a middle aged woman to be rail thin, normally a little weight gain is par for the course, it has always been that way.

I had to dress in formal business attire yesterday for corporate as they were on location to photograph us for some bios. Apparently it was for management but somehow titleless me got involved. The point is, one of the gentleman who rarely talks to me told me I looked stunning. Stunning! Wow!

A asked me to go out with him and others for a drink. I froze as per my usual. What is wrong with me?

I had some very powerful dreams last night which gave me a window into the depth of my soul as to the amount of fear I have about commitment to ‘one other’

So I played hooky yesterday, meaning I left work after an hour and a half. I ended up meeting up with JM and we sat around and then ate lunch. I told him we needed to stop fucking and he laughed and said there is no way I’m going to be able to resist it and he isn’t going to even sweat it cause he knows we’re going to fuck again.

He also told me that he wouldn’t want to date me because he wouldn’t want to deal with the drama such would cause my parents.

He’s so handsome I just like looking at him, hell I love looking at him it makes me happy, his face, his cheeks, the breath moving through his body. He told me yesterday that he finds it odd that he doesn't think of me as a white woman, doesn't think of me as anyone but someone he loves to be with. I must confess, physically, I MUCH more attracted to him than any other man I've ever been with. I will never tell him that because its 'too much pressure'. But yeah, I yearn to touch him, to be free to touch him with all my heart.

( Read more... )

I was paid one of the nicest compliments at work. I was told I am fun to be around and that when I’m at work the entire energy of the room is lifted and improved.

I am honored by that, I hope it is true, I try to keep my energy light and positive. Lately I’ve been plagued and I know what it is and I’m getting to the point where I can no longer deny it.

If I want to keep my energy light and positive I have to make some changes, even if the changes are going to hurt me.

I am feeling more sexy due to the yoga but I wonder if I’m going to follow my same pattern whereby I get impatient and quit. I’ve done it every day, I still feel so weak but the routine I’m doing has become increasingly easier. I want to take my time and perfect my stances before I move on and I NEED to build core and upper body strength before I can do the more advanced poses.

N says I’m looking better. I weighed 132.2 this morning and one month ago I was 138.2 so…that’s good. I can’t ‘see’ a difference myself but I feel better and have been sleeping better.

JM thinks I’m hot and he tells me all the time that I shouldn’t stress about my body, says that for a 40 year old woman I have a great body and I should be proud of it.

He says he doesn’t understand why women act the way they do with so much shame about their bodies. I understand it but I don't think its something a man will ever understand.

I saw L today and he couldn’t keep his hands off of me.

I officially said no more messing around. I feel sad about it, real sad... but, I just don’t feel right about it any more. He says we will stay friends but somehow I doubt it as we’ve no ‘reason’ to cross each other’s paths. That is the problem with being secret lovers.

I'm tired of being someone's secret lover, just tired beyond belief of it.

He says I make him weak in his knees. He says his heart races when I touch him.

He says I’m so incredibly sexy that I do something in-explicable to him. He fantasizes about me all the time.

The other day we fucked in his car, it was crazy because he ended up naked. I felt like a teenager but it was so delicious.

I love to feel him under my fingers, his strength.

Today when I was on my knees, I was looking up at him, my eyes had tears streaming down from the gagging, I was looking up at him, running my tongue up the length of him when he said:

‘I could watch you all day, you’re like my own private porn star’.

Porn star? Is that a good thing? ( Read more... )

In 5 weeks will be 9 years since my WLS. Today I weigh 135. I am going to send off pics and stats for the Dr's long term studies. I'm considered an 'old timer' and a success. I sorta want to shape up as much as I can by the anniversary date.

So JM texted me this morning and told me to listen to the song Lady by Kenny Rogers, that the song is for me.

Then he went on to talk about all of his kids, his and hers and what he wants to give them.

He tells me all the time how much I have saved him and made him a better man how much he needs me, how I have no idea really what I mean to it. I think it has truth to it.

He says she makes him a better man by requiring him to be understanding whereas I do by advising and inspiring him.

I know that she has so much more to give him than I ever could, a family, a life, she's younger and prettier, she cooks, she healthier. I know this and so I'm grateful he has her.

He wants to encourage me to believe and express myself more. He thinks so highly of me, tells me all the time he wishes he had my brain.

Like everyone he is convinced I am better alone.

( Read more... )

It is interesting to note, we kissed, he asked me to kiss him. I don’t know how I feel about it as we never kiss and previously we discussed not doing that expressly. It was so sweet but a little awkward, it didn't last long because...

I can imagine giving myself over to it completely, to him completely, it frightens me almost as much as it frightens me.

Do me a favor and help get rid of the bitchy voice in my head that makes me miserable.

thank you,

Me

So, A, I swear I see a twinkle in his eye and sometimes he winks at me. What does it mean when a man subtly winks at you while talking, winks when your minds meet on a topic?

I am not sure what is going on, I don’t want to talk about it, it is a subtle thing, I feel almost like I don’t want to break the spell I’m enjoying. I fully don’t expect it to go anywhere. Fully.

But I confess I want him to like me. It has been a long time since I’ve wanted that. The T’s the PM’s, Y’s they liked me and so I investigated…

But in this case (biting my fingernails) I feel like a 14 year old girl crushing on the ‘impossible’ guy in the hall.

When I mentioned how I was flattered that he complimented me JM got VERY jealous. I can’t understand what is flickering at the edge of things because he is so not my type. He’s always VERY proper, extremely professional.

So today when I said, “Hold on, I want to give you what you want” he said in response “hmmm, well…that is a very open ended statement”…

He makes me shy, so I said nothing, no witticism back which I am known for. It is the shyness that he elicits in me that excites me. Lately I notice him looking away from me when before he was so open, it seems as if he doesn’t want to look interested….after all we are both single.

Or maybe he doesn’t like me anymore, maybe I said something. I heard him talking with my female coworker this morning in a way in which I was stunned, he’s not so ‘street’ with me he acts very formal.

JM says he’s hot for me. I only know this because I told JM I had a dream about him, a romantic one where we were holding hands and he came back with that information and said only “believe me he is and he’s not he only one.

Now I’m afraid I’ve burned bridges, I’m ashamed of the whole PM fiasco…really WTF was I thinking, sure he was an ex-employee at the time, but I should have calculated he could show up again, PM! Damn I can sure let my hormones get the best of me, in that case it was that he was so intense…and then when he manhandled me so exquisitely that first time….sigh…of course he was nuts and it turned out he was a one trick pony. There is little more irritating than a partner that keeps trying to push the same button.

So, A…what do I make of you dear?

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lilkellyg

June 2010

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Petals unfolding

Recent Entries

Celebrating Father's day

I have discovered a lot of anger in me.

Work and anxiety

(no subject)

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Out of the mouths of babes

Heart matters

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Today

Checking in about my body image

Random

Wonder why things have to be so complicated.

Small changes

Risky business

Coming up on 9 years

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Please God

I wish....but I would be stunned