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[personal profile] lilkellyg
So JM texted me this morning and told me to listen to the song Lady by Kenny Rogers, that the song is for me.

Then he went on to talk about all of his kids, his and hers and what he wants to give them.

He tells me all the time how much I have saved him and made him a better man how much he needs me, how I have no idea really what I mean to it. I think it has truth to it.

He says she makes him a better man by requiring him to be understanding whereas I do by advising and inspiring him.

I know that she has so much more to give him than I ever could, a family, a life, she's younger and prettier, she cooks, she healthier. I know this and so I'm grateful he has her.

He wants to encourage me to believe and express myself more. He thinks so highly of me, tells me all the time he wishes he had my brain.

Like everyone he is convinced I am better alone.

Maybe it is my destiny, as I've said before, perhaps its the explanation of all the mysterious 1's in my numerology. Even the Lion is alone in his kingly status, and the rooster is another form of the Lion, alone with his talons in a harem of partners.

But sometimes God I DO feel lonely. I have enjoyed S for that reason, because I thought he could understand me, but he can't.

He judges me ALL the time with an accusation of wanting to be monogamous when I say I'm lonely but the irony is HE's the one living a mostly monogamous life! In the entire 3+ years he's known me I've been 'alone' in my day to day troubles and concerns. No one holds me at night.

And the truth is, I don't doubt that he judges me for that aloneness the same way he would judge me if I was paired up. He says though that I'm not alone because I'm with him...been engaged in a reciprocal love relationship.

But one thing is love which always surrounds me, one thing is the companionship of the trees and birds and all of life's blessings and another thing is family. I crave a family of my own and I don't seem to know how to create one

Today S is at his wife's side while she attends her best friend's mother's funeral. He talks to her at least twice a day when they are separated which is more than I ever talked to my 'monogamous' husband with when we were separated.

Yes, I guess I am a solitary soul, and it is my very nature that causes me my aches here and there. Perhaps it means I'm meant to not change but shift my psychic energy.

I have been alone most of my life. Romantically as far as 'together' I had a 2 year exclusive relationship as my first love and then there has been only my marriage and that's it, every other relationship has been about me being secondary.

JM's asking to kiss me, his calling me, his telling me he loves me has me convinced that he is indeed falling in love with me. I really believe that he's ok with it, ok with loving two people.

But, I know despite his saying that he would never allow himself to be forced to choose, he would choose her. He wants the things she can give that I cannot.

He says ALL the time how I'm every man's fantasy, but that is NOT true. Most men would not have me.

The bitterness in the sweetness this morning is the song Lady...I listened to it because I didn't remember the words, and when I did it made me cry.

I'm not sure I can handle JM's being in love with me, loving me yes, but the in love part, the craving and yearning when the only way he knows how to express it is in songs like lady...



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June 2010

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