lilkellyg: (Default)
The day when we were hanging out, the three of us, and I talked of aging gracefully and accepting grays etc he brought up Jamie Lee Curtis and how ‘bad’ she looks and I found it ironic because I LOVE the fact that Jamie isn’t like the rest of the ‘plastic’ baby boomers who are dying their hair into pretending they’re still 40.

Jamie Lee is the same age as him, so now I realize why he said it. I felt sorry though for LW, and my own self who although younger is also subject to the same ‘relentless ravages of time”…and in the case of ‘our’ relationship HIS views upon what is attractive having to do with youth.

I don’t want to freak out. NO I don’t want to go gentle onto that good night, BUT I don’t want to pretend that youth is the only virtue for with age comes wisdom, strength of a different kind and grace.

I want to be present, not glorifying the past or dreading the future. I want to be me…simply me.

So, anyway, I thought of S and what he said about Jamie because I read an article tonight in regards to her processing her mother’s death. In it she talks of her mother’s distance and her obsession with her looks and how it was difficult on her mother when she ‘came out’ with no makeup on or touchups. Why? Why not present our real selves to the world?

But it was this quote that most caught my eye in the article on Jamie:

“ it was Curtis' daughter, Annie, then just 17, who left a last impression at the funeral. "She described seeing my mother after she had died and mused that she felt her death might in fact be her greatest accomplishment -- because at that moment she was finally able to let go of the clenched control of her life, she was able to trust in her family, that she could go and we'd all be fine."

It struck me of my own mother and her belief that I am ‘not good enough’ and I see so clearly that it isn’t so much that she finds me inadequate, it is about HER control, HER wanting to ‘mother’ me in ways that she couldn’t and she can’t.

SO, when? When am I going to truly claim my own person? Not my mother or S or anyone gets to ‘judge me’ or ‘mentor me’. WHEN? When am I going to say I am good enough and I am ok?

NOW.

There is no time like the present. NOW is the moment when I say. I AM ok, I will be ok, I can handle what I need to handle. I am no longer the scared young child or the insecure young woman who compares and finds myself lacking.

I’m not lacking, I’m ME, and I’m ok, and its ok that I’m not perfect and I don’t know the answers because I DO have the requisite skills to get through, and I’ve learned that I CAN learn and can grow and so…that which I don’t yet know I CAN learn and I can grow.

It occurs to me that EVERYTHING I’ve gone through has had a purpose because I am an inherently HONEST person, I HAVE had to KNOW all this, I couldn’t just fake it until I make it because that wouldn’t feel honest to my core self, so ALL of my trials and all of my suffering have been for a reason: to get me to the place where I feel OK, where I KNOW and so can feel that I AM good enough.

So now I sit on the cusp of the rest of my days and EVERY one of my gray hairs and EVERY one of my imperfections and scares from the trials of my life spell out my truth, and I don’t want to deny them because that wouldn’t be honest, that would be ‘faking’ how I got here.

There is no shame that I’ve had to walk my own path, that it has taken me longer than it has ‘supposedly’ taken others because I see time and time again that those who have ‘faked’ it still lack that core knowledge that can only come from life experience.

So tonight as I sit here, I love myself, I might not necessarily like everything about me, I might see all my imperfections but I can choose in what ways I want to grown next and I find that absolutely invigorating and for the first time in my life I AM NOT AFRAID but excited.

And I am grateful…for it all.
lilkellyg: (Default)
I have been managing to get some yoga in every day, today I did a full hour. I’ve promised myself only that I’ll do the sun salutation every morning along with some crunches. That’s it.

The truth is I AM in poor shape so S was right about that. Only, I don’t like his attitude and I’m not sure I can get beyond it. I DO recognize he has a right to feel the way he does and when I have some spare time I’ll sort through getting in touch with ‘his needs’ about the matter to see if I can gain some compassion.

I haven’t actually talked to him since we ‘disengaged’ suddenly. I did send a text as my form of an olive branch but they are in the process of moving so he is very busy and it is highly unlikely he even notices we haven’t talked.

I AM feeling the fringes of sad so I know that I will have to face the issue soon.

JM keeps insisting that I NEED to talk to S and tell him how I feel. It is just SO easy with a long distance relationship to let things slide, maybe that’s how they die, lack of real communication.

Speaking of which, I acquired a CD copy of ‘nonviolent communication’ and I’m finally on the ‘meat and potatoes’ part of it after a lot of ‘examples’ of how it has helped without getting into the substance, I’m highly hopeful I will learn a thing or two from it.

I feel somewhat nervous from not facing my deepest feelings.

I’m well beyond the stage of thinking things with S are perfect or that he is perfect, but I do love him and wish to have him in my life, and I KNOW if that is the case that I HAVE to be able to speak up. I can’t let thing simmer until I feel rage and outrageous feelings that could threaten to ruin the equilibrium of the relationships.

There are becoming more and more topics that he declares off the table such as work, so if I do the same who knows what we will be left with.

He doesn’t want me to talk about work because he doesn’t approve of me working for the man and well..

Work is, too consuming. I have increasing responsibility with no pay and no title and no reward but with the sure knowledge that I can say I’ve been an integral part of making the department work and have genuinely taken on a leadership role.

So I see it as skill building S sees it as wasting my time. JM tells me he will continue to work to get me recognized but we’re fighting the perception that he is singing my praises because I’m his friend so unless I show my skills to others outside the department (which I’m doing) the perception will be hard to allay.

I figure that until I come up with a way to make my own living outside of a ‘work life’ I’m gonna hone my skills the best I can.

In general I’m trying to embrace gratitude in an attempt to eradicate my discontent that has been plaguing me for FAR too long.

Discontent that comes from..

I wish…

Well God knows what I wish for…I’m done with uttering the words, either it’ll happen or it wont.
lilkellyg: (Default)
I have been feeling very frustrated lately and it seems almost impossible the idea of trying to tease out the whys.

So, I’m going to take it as a calling to develop myself in some way. One of these ways MUST be external. I have a need for more friendship and I keep ignoring it because of fear and my need to feel safe and not face rejection.

Speaking of my internal tick-tockings.

I was telling my parents of my fight with JM over the dinner table and their individual reactions were interesting and telling.

I told of how I get to the point in an argument or discussion where I realize we are not going to see eye to eye and I don’t want to fight anymore so I say “I don’t care” or “do what you want” and that by the time I say it I really mean it but that JM takes it as ‘negative’ and doesn’t understand it.

My Mom lights up and I see this resonates with her and validates her experience of me and she says “well that does sound like you, you do get negative”. My Dad sort of looks at her and rolls his eyes. It was funny,

I went on to say it is my way of saying ‘we are not seeing eye to eye here, you obviously have a need to press forward in your way and I don’t seem to care so much, I have a need to be at peace, so do what you think is right and lets stop arguing’. Most of the time, 99% of the time, by the time I get to that point I MEAN it, I’m done arguing and I want and need for the arguing to end MUCH more than I care who is right. Sometimes I don’t concede, but a lot of the times I do which can have a cumulative damage to my relationship with the person.

So I have to examine that and examine better ways of handling disagreements, even if it is simply stating my disagreement but refusal to fight so at least I feel the person has heard my stance.

I tend to choose assertive people as friends and so I spend a lot of time ‘making peace’.

My Dad is exactly the same way and that is why he has always resonated with me. My Mom would NEVER be able to relate to someone who wasn’t that way.

People who are so ‘strong minded’ do NOT understand why someone like me would choose peace over getting my way, and I think they disrespect the ‘giving up’ or ‘loser’ attitude but in some sense that is such a blind and shallow way of viewing the world.

Nonetheless I need to learn to hold my lines a little stronger.

Gratitude

Apr. 11th, 2010 08:06 am
lilkellyg: (Default)
Russell very fit, in fact most people would’ve thought he was one of the healthiest people they could know. He biked for exercise, ate well, was trim, etc.

42. Heart attack. Gone. He did manage to do a LOT more with his life than I have.

It just reminds me we shouldn’t procrastinate anything. I am famous for procrastinating.

I had a conversation with S while lying in the bed with him, I said does my procrastination tell me that I don’t really want to do something. He said not necessarily.

I think I’m going to start thanking my body daily and loving it, who cares what it looks like when it has walked me around to experience all my adventures and the glorious sensual kisses of the sun and wind?
lilkellyg: (Default)
A strange thing happened last night, well not strange, just the stuff of ‘normal’ life? I went to see S, we went up to his hotel room, reacquainted and fell into making love, the details of which I won’t go into, but I felt the slight sense that he was not entirely there with me. He got up to wash up, went over to roll a smoke and while doing that he phoned LW.

Then they had words, or more like, he was confronting her about something ardently and I remembered at that point that when I had driven up he had been arguing with her then and so he greeted me kind of with a bark because he was distracted with wrapping up with her.

Read more... )
lilkellyg: (Default)
Work was hellish this week so Thank God its my Friday.

AT told me I look pretty today which just made my heart sing. He has a way of making me smile, and normally he's so reserved so...

I don't make too much of it, but :)

JM was jealous when I told him, which is interesting.

I'm canceling my plans to see Di because...

I have a date to spend the night in S's arms tomorrow night!

On Saturday I'm hooking up with my old roomie from my Gator years.

I have much to smile about!

Thank you God!
lilkellyg: (Default)
S is leaving tonight to hit the road to go house shopping in Rhode Island or Vermont. I wonder what will happen.

LW wrote me the following this morning:

I'm glad we finally got the chance to meet, and happy that the vacation was a good one. N is a gem of a little boy, and it's easy to see how he wins people over.Thank you for making the trek down. S truly enjoyed cooking dinner. He was a little nervous about us meeting, but I wasn't. You're a joy to be around and made for a most welcome change to the routine.

Sorry work has been so crazy already. Hopefully the overtime will help soften the blow.

Love,
L

I am VERY happy about things and I'm hoping that I get to see S soon. I realized that I couldn't be less threatening by the way I handled things.
....

I had a fight with JM today about Work as work has been VERY stressful. In the middle of the fight I made plans to tentatively spend the evening with Di on Friday, to ostensibly try to start anew. I don't have great hopes but one never knows. I will try to open my mind to the possibility.

No news on the job application front but I haven't called and I'm wondering if I should. I'm very confused about that. JM promises that he will try to get me a raise when the time comes.

Thoughts

Apr. 3rd, 2010 08:21 am
lilkellyg: (Default)
So, it is the morning of my final day here in Washington. N and I had dinner last night as made by S. LW made the salad. Truth is it was all delicious, much healthier than I would have eaten normally. The quality of ingredients made for the fact that even things I normally wouldn’t have eaten like olives and cherry tomatoes were delicious. Or, maybe it was the wine and company.

He is very intense. VERY. I’m wondering what the consequence of 12 or is it 14 years together has done to her. She seemed very nervous, of course I don’t know what the cause of such was. She could have been nervous about having me there although I don’t think so.

Yes, he is very intense.

Read more... )
lilkellyg: (Default)
When I say I’ve learned things here, it is because I’ve become aware of some things… mostly excruciatingly aware of my own dissatisfaction with my dissatisfaction, lol.
Read more... )
lilkellyg: (Default)
Well we are taking a break in the hotel room until we go out later. N was really tired. We went to the air and space museum this morning, then we met S for lunch after which N and I walked around the natural history museum a bit.

N is a budding photographer, he took possession of the camera, though he'd never used one he got a bunch of good shots, better than my niece or nephew who are much older.

I can tell from a few of S's comments that he thinks I'm getting to fat and flabby.

My feeling about it is, fuck him... I may not be totally happy with myself but I don't need to feel judged by someone else nor do I find it motivating. I find someone who adores me like JM does MUCH more inspirational than someone who has some sort of idea that they're too good.

I want to be hotter for JM, for S I feel resentful.

This is not a good feeling. I am inclined to get in shape and be like I was with my exhusband..

"say something like, now you like me? Well now YOU can't touch this you judgmental shallow fuck"

But I'll keep my friendship with him. No one says we can't stay in touch, and I'll put it off on him when really the truth is, I just don't find it easy to find myself desirous of someone who has his mindset, I've expanded myself but...I'm reaching my limits.

Maybe all the judgment I feel against him is in my head...and maybe not. I guess only time or he will tell.
lilkellyg: (Default)
Dear JM,

Well its day two in Washington. You miss me? N's still in bed and I'm just waking up, checking email, etc.

I’ve decided to ‘spoil’ myself so I’m going to make everything about this vacation as comfortable and as relaxing as possible, leisurely mornings since we're right in the heart of the action, one of those 7 layer beds and...

Soon my breakfast will be delivered!

Today we're off to air and space and then S is going to meet us for lunch and Ford's Theater (N wants to go there). It is a little bit of fantasy land this trip, for everyone. It makes me yearn for MORE. N said yesterday 'maybe we could afford a house here?' and I said who's gonna be your Mama and Papa and watch you after school, LW and S? And he said 'sure'. LOL I haven't told S that one! It shows though that he's open to things more than I give him credit for.

S showed N all of his instruments and the stuff he uses to record yesterday. It was really GREAT for me to see how they live for real as opposed to in my head. They live very humble and normal eh, I should have known, Sol isn't into material things in the least, he is more frugal than me in many respects lol

I always make everyone better than me in my head when I have to fill in the unknowns. For example I never have people to my house because I'm shy about it but my Mom, and everyone says its very homey and inviting, and the truth is that everyone that comes to Jacqueline migrates to my side if they can...and I used to know how to cook way back when, I'm sure I could relearn it.

Well, just thought I'd touch base, I don't know why...I'm just so damn used to talking to you every day.

Hope you don't mind. Enjoy your day Mr Big man in many connotations ;-) hide in your office and get stuff done.

hugs,
K
lilkellyg: (Default)
I am wanting to be a person different than I am. But why? I’m a good person. I am kind, thoughtful, I work hard, I have a good sense of humor, I’m ok.

Its funny how for years I wanted something different from the ordinary life and now I find myself wanting for some of the trappings of an ordinary life.

I am going to make a BIG confession here, for some reason it is a big one for me. I read about other poly people, or even triad’s or polyfidelitous people and I’m exceedingly envious. I want a family AND I want poly, and as a secondary I seem to have to trade family for poly.

For example in an ideal world Di would be sane and a person who didn’t give a fuck what other people thought like me and we could all hang together. But the truth is…someone always wants the title, to be the numero uno.

I’m not sure I want to be the numero uno but I want to matter, to have weight, commitment, purpose, to be needed.

And there is the fact that…

People want to fit in, want to be legit. Especially when we have kids because we don’t want to hang sh** on our kids.

Of course N is already dealing with not having a ‘traditional family’ and I think he’s ok. I think he would do better with more people to love him.

It might be my own lack of courage that fails to bring my dream to fruition but I don’t think so. No one wants to risk either.

S is comfortable with his world…well not so much him. HE would change it but SHE would not and He is comfortable with what THEY have so…

Its easy to for him to insist I change MY whole life.

Should I tell him that N said today that S and LW could be like his Papa and Mama if we moved here?

Of course they don’t want to be like Papa and Mama…that is a HUGE commitment, and its easier to insist that I change MY life to give part time access.

That is the whole problem, I think I’m losing faith in the paradigm, in people’s capacity to push against the status quo and just love.

JM has now pushed me into the unground. I’m in effect the ‘other woman’. He loves me but he can’t admit it, and he’s afraid of kissing me because he’s afraid it will only grow stronger and more torturous.

DC

Mar. 30th, 2010 07:02 pm
lilkellyg: (Default)
So, we're in DC, it was a crazy long drive because we faced a LOT of weather and I was sick the whole time, I don't know if it was stress or what. So when I saw S I felt like I was stinky and nasty and I didn't even try to look for a spare moment of privacy to be intimate.

What the fuck is wrong with me?????

I'm SO freaking paranoid around S, I find it hard to believe that he's attracted to me considering he's such a fitness nut. I know my paranoia and shyness is ruining things but I can't seem to stop myself, I freeze.

I fear he's running out of patience.

He makes SO many comments about my racist parents, and has a much different attitude than JM. JM laughs that they're going to like me whether they want to or not and sure enough my father liked him when he met him.

So, I feel like such a failure when it comes to S, but he's 'so married' that sometimes I just don't know what he wants from me. His life is just as out of my league as mine is from him.

JM tells me to stop worrying about it, just think of S as my man and be happy.

Wow...he's SO freaking supportive of me, even though I get bitter sometimes, he does love me, sort like L does. I guess its easy to love me when you are madly in love and committed with someone else. So...if that is so..

I don't understand where all my insecurity with S comes from...I think its because I think he loves me in that 'agape' way and not in the way of a man passionate about a woman.

And I feel for him a well of tenderness, and I want to let the tenderness build into passion, but he's looking for my passion and he doesn't find my tenderness appealing perhaps.

Please God, let us find a way to connect soon. Here I am closer to him and I couldn't feel farther away...at least I'm afraid thats the way he feels about me.
lilkellyg: (Default)
Bout to hit the road soon

It turns out I’m not staying at the Crowne Plaza, I’m staying at the Willard Intercontinental which looks to be more expensive and a block and a half from the white house Weird. I’m not paying the published price. Its an interesting ‘fuck up’. Reminds me of when I put a pilot in hotel in Boston and inadvertently booked through hotels.com. I think I should stay away from booking online. This time though, I booked through my priority rewards and got rewarded with an upgrade.

Naughty

Mar. 29th, 2010 09:15 pm
lilkellyg: (Default)
He had me down on my knees between his legs yesterday. I could tell it was turning him on that we were doing what we did, where we were. I wasn't so much turned on by the location as the fact of his gorgeous cock, the sight, the taste, the feel of it, and his hand when he holds me down and gags me on it.

Fuck.

We are nuts. Some of what we do reminds me of pornos I've seen. Especially helped by the fact that he's porn star endowed and I can take him deep, which he says orally no one he's been with has been able to do. I'm the first person he's cum with orally and now he likes it so much that I love it. Well I'm orally fixated, so of course I love it too!

As I say its like a religious experience for me, as long as I'm getting it other ways too. :)

I AM a perv, lol.

So basically he can't get near me without his dick getting hard, which is amazing to me, and well, I can't resist him when he's turned on, so we're naughty quite often.

Its animal between us.

And his body is SO fucking beautiful, every part of it. I don't know why he desires me the way he does, but I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth any more.

Just taking it ;-)

(double meaning intended)
lilkellyg: (Default)
Last night in the middle of my meltdown I had two people tell me they love me. S and JM

So the fuck what? Love is just a word, it doesn't put food on the table or help pay bills, it doesn't tuck you in at night, get medicine or you at the pharmacy when your kid is sick. Its just a well meaning feeling someone has towards you and without action behind it what is the point really?

N's father loves him. LOL

So yeah, I'm aggravated with all this 'poly' shit because at the end of the day it really is about fucking someone else that's all.

Life choices, helping and stuff...that stuff still goes according to the normal society constructed paradigms 99.999999999% of the time.

Of course S has always maintained that he's not poly, he's just in an open marriage, so that spells that out and his amorphous 'but that can change' shit is...really just shit.

The secondaries in their life are supposed to 'petition' for membership in THEIR family. Get over yourself. What about petitioning for membership in MY family, my son's and my life.

We're not serfs begging at your manor gate.

And how funny is it that I say this on the cusp of meeting her for the first time. It is odd, but its telling that I wasn't invited to come for that purpose EVER and that its basically me showing up on their door saying, 'hey there, nice to meet you, here's my son'. Always the secondary has to beg, grovel for permission and space in the sanctity of the established 'pair bond'.

And this is "MR NON_MONOGAMY" "MR evolved" as he likes to call himself and really he's doing nothing different, sitting in the comfort of his own relationship, insisting other's bend to him.

There's really nothing new nor as revolutionary about all of this as the 'cool poly people' like to claim.

What about begging the secondary to be in your life? What about if the couple is 'good enough' for for the secondary to bend their whole life around? The paradigm of 'come to me' suggests that you will get only a certain sort of person and when it doesn't work out...sheesh I wonder why.

So it doesn't feel great that I had to impose myself on S and LW, but I'm gonna do it. Maybe it will make my kid a reality for them in a way that otherwise he forgets about when he tells me to get a door he can breeze by on occasion.

....

And as for JM...

I'm gonna try not to be angry, try really hard, I know he thinks he loves me, his heart goes aflutter when he thinks about putting his dick in me

/rant
lilkellyg: (Default)
JM and I got in an argument. He's frustrated.

Everyone thinks I have it made, I can live here and save my money, as if the money will make up for my life that is slipping me by. Its Saturday night and I'm home again, alone, yes with my son. But a woman can't live for her son.

I feel so trapped. So alone. I'm so sad.

Figures

Mar. 27th, 2010 02:55 pm
lilkellyg: (Default)
Well, found out today that the house next door is out of my league. I think they are asking too much but I also think that what I was hoping they would sell it for was too low. So.

C'est la vie.

I will take the opportunity to look when I come back, I will look for places by my job but I can't see how I can afford to find full time summer care for my kid and buy a mortgage. People always forget I get NO child support.

I feel SO trapped, like my whole life is passing me by, especially what's left of my 'good years'.

*sigh*
lilkellyg: (Default)
Well my pre-approval letter came in digital form yesterday and in hard copy today. I'm going to talk to them this weekend and find out how much they're asking for.

Last night the instructor / director of the aviation academy called to tell me he has a great job he'd like to get for me and that he wants my resume ASAP. He expressly asked me if I’m able to move, if I have a lease or mortgage, etc.

How flipping weird is that?

I sent him the resume, just because, why not play with fate. He is going to edit it for me and send it back. Interesting! He wouldn't edit JM's.

So good stuff...but

I found myself extremely down today, the whole prospect of buying a house and having no one to share it with is very lonesome.

I also discovered a feeling of envy in me for what JM and Di have, each other, and his recent promotion, etc.

This is SHOCKING to me.

And then S and LW are talking of buying a house, and...well, he doesn't even remember to send me things he says he will. It is HARD not to compare, not to be jealous.

I feel like a leaf in autumn. Something is wrong with me,I feel dried up, without juice, I feel almost ready to fall from the tree.

I NEED to start taking better care of myself so I don’t feel so depleted and hopeless. Because really it is an affront to God to be as sad as I am considering all the blessings I have.

It is ok to be excited, but boy now am I confused about what to do. REALLY confused.

We'll see. Would I dare move and sacrifice my kids happiness for mine??????

Can I find a way to be happy when I'm dying here on this tree, dying.

I wish I could find a solution, some solutions, why can't I find a nice white guy and settle down and be happy like I'm 'supposed' to??? Why has all this happened to me?
Page generated Sep. 26th, 2017 03:49 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios