lilkellyg: (Default)
I am wanting to be a person different than I am. But why? I’m a good person. I am kind, thoughtful, I work hard, I have a good sense of humor, I’m ok.

Its funny how for years I wanted something different from the ordinary life and now I find myself wanting for some of the trappings of an ordinary life.

I am going to make a BIG confession here, for some reason it is a big one for me. I read about other poly people, or even triad’s or polyfidelitous people and I’m exceedingly envious. I want a family AND I want poly, and as a secondary I seem to have to trade family for poly.

For example in an ideal world Di would be sane and a person who didn’t give a fuck what other people thought like me and we could all hang together. But the truth is…someone always wants the title, to be the numero uno.

I’m not sure I want to be the numero uno but I want to matter, to have weight, commitment, purpose, to be needed.

And there is the fact that…

People want to fit in, want to be legit. Especially when we have kids because we don’t want to hang sh** on our kids.

Of course N is already dealing with not having a ‘traditional family’ and I think he’s ok. I think he would do better with more people to love him.

It might be my own lack of courage that fails to bring my dream to fruition but I don’t think so. No one wants to risk either.

S is comfortable with his world…well not so much him. HE would change it but SHE would not and He is comfortable with what THEY have so…

Its easy to for him to insist I change MY whole life.

Should I tell him that N said today that S and LW could be like his Papa and Mama if we moved here?

Of course they don’t want to be like Papa and Mama…that is a HUGE commitment, and its easier to insist that I change MY life to give part time access.

That is the whole problem, I think I’m losing faith in the paradigm, in people’s capacity to push against the status quo and just love.

JM has now pushed me into the unground. I’m in effect the ‘other woman’. He loves me but he can’t admit it, and he’s afraid of kissing me because he’s afraid it will only grow stronger and more torturous.

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lilkellyg

June 2010

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