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[personal profile] lilkellyg
So I played hooky yesterday, meaning I left work after an hour and a half. I ended up meeting up with JM and we sat around and then ate lunch. I told him we needed to stop fucking and he laughed and said there is no way I’m going to be able to resist it and he isn’t going to even sweat it cause he knows we’re going to fuck again.

He also told me that he wouldn’t want to date me because he wouldn’t want to deal with the drama such would cause my parents.

He’s so handsome I just like looking at him, hell I love looking at him it makes me happy, his face, his cheeks, the breath moving through his body. He told me yesterday that he finds it odd that he doesn't think of me as a white woman, doesn't think of me as anyone but someone he loves to be with. I must confess, physically, I MUCH more attracted to him than any other man I've ever been with. I will never tell him that because its 'too much pressure'. But yeah, I yearn to touch him, to be free to touch him with all my heart.

I know he likes being with me, just being, he doesn’t want to leave me when he’s with me and yesterday he said he doesn’t want to move out of state because of me.

But I’m tired of being a hidden secret thing, with anyone. As far as JM I’m not sure what to think of it so I won’t think anything for the time being.

After I told S that my son and I watched the blind side, and he asked me if I talked to my son about it, the 200 year long history of black people, etc. I didn’t mention it because he was on a role but I sometimes wonder what the proper dialogues are. We HAVE had them. What I try to stress is humanity, is putting oneself in someone else’s shoes. I worry about over stressing the slavery aspect or the ‘otherness’. I don’t know if that makes sense but I don’t want my son to see any people as so much ‘other’ that he can’t relate and so disconnects from their humanity.

S was giving me grief about my Mother and her being so racist. I was trying to explain what I think is an evolution in thought and feeling they are going through right now. How my Dad was saying he wanted to go tell my bosses a thing or two about the way they’ve been treating JM, and both of my parents are worked up about how their friend Tommy is getting treated, convinced it’s because of his race and his concomitant economic situation. They seem to see with him somehow that he’s had a hard life, but is a good man and that he faces injustices they do not. That seems like a good thing to me.

S is very bitter about my Mom, sees in her every racist that has made him suffer, especially he sees the parents of his first fiancé who split up the relationship. I don’t blame him, I really don’t. For some reason though JM or L or even V were able to see it differently. JM jokes that they would fall in love with him, he doesn’t take it in an adversarial mode, of course he says he doesn’t want to deal with the drama of it.

S, for someone who says he’s about love has a real warrior side. I ‘get’ it but I think he’s lost perspective.

He was going on and on about how they wouldn’t like him coming to my door. I tend to deal in concrete realities and I think to myself, “well honey, not only are you black but you are married”…that is huge! I really believe it is too much to ask, “poly” is so outside of people’s box, and most of the time people think the woman is being taken advantage of by some svengali like male who is convincing her to let him have his cake and eat it too, and in this case that might exacerbate the racial issue in a way I can’t even imagine.

So, I really don’t think it is realistic for him to come to my door as my ‘lover’. JM says they don’t need to know he’s my lover and I pointed out with S that is apparently NOT enough, they have to accept the fact that he lies down in bed with me.

Maybe JM sees things differently because he’s a parent? Maybe because he, like L is not American? I don’t know, but he doesn’t think my parents need to know who I am fucking, and that people should come to my door as friends and things should be taken from there, I don’t have to walk up to my folks and say ‘this is the person I’m fucking, we do the nasty upside and all around every Saturday night’. I guess for JM a don’t ask don’t tell policy where it comes to awareness slowly along with the person’s character is the way to go. As a parent no one accepts ANY man that is brought to the door, especially not one with such a chip on the shoulder.


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June 2010

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