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My former co-worker called me yesterday to say she’d dreamt that I got a ‘dream job’. I joked with her that I hope she’s psychic. Maybe this job my friend is offering me is a ‘dream job’, maybe its not, I will try to stay very level until the offer is on the table and my vision is clear. All I DO know is I am I’m feeling more open to what the universe has to offer me. My current position has its stresses and there is little room for me to grow but it has its advantages, its stability and it is certainly not boring, I fear boredom.

Still I need to conceive of possibility.

A’s smiles and his cat ate the canary looks, they help me. I don’t think he’s really interested ‘enough’ to pursue me but I know he likes me a little bit and that is somehow warming and makes me think of possibility not necessarily with him but…just possibility.

JM is away with family and is completely incommunicado. I missed him terribly within hours of his pulling away but now…now it feels like a little rift through which I can try to sort out my feelings, I can turn around inside the space I’m trying to make it positive, but I find myself longing for him and the longing hurts.

I am also thinking of S and of how he was talking the other day of sexual things he’d like to do with me. Somehow it works out that we never get to those things when we actually get together, that the ‘ideal’ coupling we would have never happens precisely. I have so much tenderness toward him and I long to spend leisure time with him so perhaps that’s why, when we get together I need that ‘leisure space’ as much as the sexual and there is only ever so much time to be divvyed up.

It all of course makes me think of ‘poly’ and of what I like about it and what perhaps I’m doing ‘wrong’ and its limitations, the ‘hurt’ by not having a substantial place in the lives of people I adore.

Limitation: Time. The lack of time unnaturally extends the ‘new and shiny’ sense, the longing for ‘when’, that in a normal cohabitational or monogamous relationship the couple processes towards.

We have this paradigm of family where romantic pairings are to be above all other relationships because they are designed to one day be ‘the new family’ so therefore they are to come before even relationships with birth family.

We are SO used to this programming that for example I believe S is pushing that upon our relationship. He wants OUR relationship and bond, as intermittent as it will EVER be due to HIS primary bond with someone else to come ABOVE and before my relationship with my parents. This to me does not make logical sense and it is a vestigal prioritizing that comes from monogamous programming.

Under the ‘lovejoy’ paradigm he champions my relationship with my parents is also a lovejoy, and similar to how the lovejoy he shares with LW predates me so does mine with my family. They are circles that can’t intersect and not JUST cause he is black but because he is married, legally bound in a primary relationship with someone else.

Why did he marry if he is so opposed to marriage?

HE says all the time that it was just ‘giving onto Rome’ and for this or that reason but I know that LW considers it a marriage exactly as society says, only it is open. Period. Marriage has a meaning and he is not able to divorce it at will. What he is doing is appropriating its comforts for himself. I don’t really care whether he sees it that way or not.

At any rate, a person reaches a point whereby they get tired of the secondary restrictions and the longings for the deeper stretches of time and intimacy that a primary bond affords.

So, the question I’m asking myself is which compromise I’d choose if I had to…a life of being a secondary or a monogamous bond.

There are days where I’d say monogamy so long as I’m free to have friends. I think that is the choice S made when he walked down the monogamous aisle…so its funny he judges now. Almost all of his Kerista brothers and sisters made that choice too. So the power of the programming or the longing of the human ‘family’ in this culture still has at its root the monogamous pair bond.

But I know myself, if I had a monogamous relationship I would start longing for ‘more’ with my closest friends, I would fall for people just the same and I wonder what wreckage that could havoc.

Guess I just try for honesty, and keep my heart open to possibility


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June 2010

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