May. 29th, 2010 08:50 am
lilkellyg: (Default)
[personal profile] lilkellyg
I am going to face how I feel, the ugly of it, the stuff I’ve been shoving down because its confusing.

I miss him, I resent that I can’t talk to him, reach out to him when I want. I resent at times that I can’t kiss him. The few times that he has kissed me its for the briefest of moments so I just begin to feel the craving when… his hesitance makes it feel wrong or naughty.

He likes to erect those boundaries so I have let him have them up til now because… because why? A little bit of it was I didn’t care, a little bit of it is that I wanted to take what I could have, a large part of it was that I too like boundaries and limitations.

I have to confess my own fears. I fear being cast again into ‘the one’ role and being found lacking in almost every way of my being. I'm still not sure I have the strength of self to stand against that again.

But really the ‘hidden’ aspect of all of the relationships I’ve been carrying on in these past years…

It is beginning to make me feel some shame...its becoming ‘not good enough’.

JM says that it isn’t that I’m lacking at all but that he doesn’t know how to not get more attached and the sidelining me and the not kissing is one of his ways of staying detached. Ok.

The funny thing is, I don’t even know if I WANT to kiss him, if I want more, I’m not sure that I do but I’m beginning to resent that I’m not even allowed it, allowed to think about it even.

I’m starting to resent the way things are and I know it’s a sign that I MUST change things because I don’t want to come to resent him.

I NEED to remain clear that..

Anything I allow to happen is ME allowing it to happen and I have to bear the brunt of that burden, no one is ‘doing’ anything to me that I haven’t consented to. So if I don’t like something I simply have to withdraw my consent.

And this is the hard part for me, I don’t want to give up my candy.


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