lilkellyg: (Default)
[personal profile] lilkellyg
I suppose it is jealousy.

The night before last I unloaded on JM about the limitations that he puts on our relationship.

I bitched even though I know his reserve is meant to preserve our relationship, to keep it in the ‘cooler head’ area of friendship as opposed to the intensity of passion and expectation known as ‘romantic relationships’. I know he loves me but I was feeling resentful of the barriers he erects….or that ‘she’ erects.

So I told him that I thought it was the time for us to pull back and take a break so I can sort out things because I’ obviously not ok with our affection having no natural way to express itself.

He had no comment other than “I appreciate your honesty”

So when I saw him yesterday he requested a hug from me and then he hugged me, really hugged me, his strong arms around me.

It seems two things are going on that I didn’t know about when I went off with my diatribe.

1. They are testing his son for cystic fibrosis this week.
2. He has decided to break things off with her which means losing yet again a second family. He loves her dearly and her kids as well.

I’m not sure they will break up, I am trying to stand back and not comment because I don’t want to be an influencing factor in either direction.

I did ask if therapy would help because I know her craziness comes from a depth of love…and I have this crazy idea that if she can get to the center of that love perhaps she can use it to work on her own issues.

She also does what I tend to do, say she is ‘cool’ with stuff (ie me) that she later resents. Their communication skills are lacking.

I have tried to tell her how much he loves her and she can’t hear it, can’t ‘know’ it…mostly can’t see it. .

He told me she was going off on one of her ‘crazy rants’ and he actually called his mother over to witness it so someone could see. Apparently his mother said “you know I don’t like to tell you what to do but you need to get away from that”.

I tend to agree only because she once called the cops on him saying he was threatening her so that she could keep him out of the house.

The thing is, if they break up this is definitely one of those cases where opening up the relationship is going to get blamed and it may be the case that it was a mistake because she obviously cannot handle it despite her saying she can…but their problems are much greater.

If they do break up or make up our issues are going to come to the fore too in many ways. I guess I’ll just take it one day at a time and nurture myself.

I am seriously starting to plan a vacation. I think Belize but I could do Italy.
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June 2010

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