lilkellyg: (Default)
My former co-worker called me yesterday to say she’d dreamt that I got a ‘dream job’. I joked with her that I hope she’s psychic. Maybe this job my friend is offering me is a ‘dream job’, maybe its not, I will try to stay very level until the offer is on the table and my vision is clear. All I DO know is I am I’m feeling more open to what the universe has to offer me. My current position has its stresses and there is little room for me to grow but it has its advantages, its stability and it is certainly not boring, I fear boredom.

Still I need to conceive of possibility.

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So I played hooky yesterday, meaning I left work after an hour and a half. I ended up meeting up with JM and we sat around and then ate lunch. I told him we needed to stop fucking and he laughed and said there is no way I’m going to be able to resist it and he isn’t going to even sweat it cause he knows we’re going to fuck again.

He also told me that he wouldn’t want to date me because he wouldn’t want to deal with the drama such would cause my parents.

He’s so handsome I just like looking at him, hell I love looking at him it makes me happy, his face, his cheeks, the breath moving through his body. He told me yesterday that he finds it odd that he doesn't think of me as a white woman, doesn't think of me as anyone but someone he loves to be with. I must confess, physically, I MUCH more attracted to him than any other man I've ever been with. I will never tell him that because its 'too much pressure'. But yeah, I yearn to touch him, to be free to touch him with all my heart.

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A strange thing happened last night, well not strange, just the stuff of ‘normal’ life? I went to see S, we went up to his hotel room, reacquainted and fell into making love, the details of which I won’t go into, but I felt the slight sense that he was not entirely there with me. He got up to wash up, went over to roll a smoke and while doing that he phoned LW.

Then they had words, or more like, he was confronting her about something ardently and I remembered at that point that when I had driven up he had been arguing with her then and so he greeted me kind of with a bark because he was distracted with wrapping up with her.

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S is leaving tonight to hit the road to go house shopping in Rhode Island or Vermont. I wonder what will happen.

LW wrote me the following this morning:

I'm glad we finally got the chance to meet, and happy that the vacation was a good one. N is a gem of a little boy, and it's easy to see how he wins people over.Thank you for making the trek down. S truly enjoyed cooking dinner. He was a little nervous about us meeting, but I wasn't. You're a joy to be around and made for a most welcome change to the routine.

Sorry work has been so crazy already. Hopefully the overtime will help soften the blow.

Love,
L

I am VERY happy about things and I'm hoping that I get to see S soon. I realized that I couldn't be less threatening by the way I handled things.
....

I had a fight with JM today about Work as work has been VERY stressful. In the middle of the fight I made plans to tentatively spend the evening with Di on Friday, to ostensibly try to start anew. I don't have great hopes but one never knows. I will try to open my mind to the possibility.

No news on the job application front but I haven't called and I'm wondering if I should. I'm very confused about that. JM promises that he will try to get me a raise when the time comes.
lilkellyg: (Default)
He calls me 'love' almost all the time now, or 'boo' or 'babe'. I don't say it back. I call him my 'darlin' or 'dear' which I call everyone.

I have been strong in maintaining that I can't be owned nor have any interest in owning, but I AM paranoid and mindful of the the programing.

He reminds me often that I could not be happy any other way, which is something S doesn't do. He champions my relationship with S and even my occasional dalliances. In some ways he accepts me MORE than S...well actually differently. S elevates me. Entirely! JM grounds me.

This morning he told me he loves me from the tip of my toes to the top of my head. He tells me often how much he craves simply to be near to me and I don't doubt it because we miss each other when when we're apart, enough that we text or call often.

Tonight he said he wants to spoil me because I've been working so hard. That one really touches me because of the word, no one has ever wanted to spoil me, not really. In the end it doesn't matter because it likely won't happen. I'm over here, he's over there.

There is a part of me that is terrified by such words of affection. S loves me too, I can feel it and I pull away from him too. Why do I do it? S is even less dangerous to pull away from because he has a partner who is truly open.

Maybe I'm afraid of wanting more, of the part of me that wants more.

What If I let myself love him? I mean let myself love him in that tender open way that goes against every rule. I'm not sure I'm capable of it, I have too many barriers. It is easier for me to love in that completely 'you're over there' way.

He says S is his dream, he wants to be like S, is he trying to move there with Di? I don't see how that's really possible.

I'm struggling with the paradigm and I've been at it a lot longer. For me know it is a struggle at how to get closer.

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lilkellyg

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