Mar. 31st, 2010

lilkellyg: (Default)
Dear JM,

Well its day two in Washington. You miss me? N's still in bed and I'm just waking up, checking email, etc.

I’ve decided to ‘spoil’ myself so I’m going to make everything about this vacation as comfortable and as relaxing as possible, leisurely mornings since we're right in the heart of the action, one of those 7 layer beds and...

Soon my breakfast will be delivered!

Today we're off to air and space and then S is going to meet us for lunch and Ford's Theater (N wants to go there). It is a little bit of fantasy land this trip, for everyone. It makes me yearn for MORE. N said yesterday 'maybe we could afford a house here?' and I said who's gonna be your Mama and Papa and watch you after school, LW and S? And he said 'sure'. LOL I haven't told S that one! It shows though that he's open to things more than I give him credit for.

S showed N all of his instruments and the stuff he uses to record yesterday. It was really GREAT for me to see how they live for real as opposed to in my head. They live very humble and normal eh, I should have known, Sol isn't into material things in the least, he is more frugal than me in many respects lol

I always make everyone better than me in my head when I have to fill in the unknowns. For example I never have people to my house because I'm shy about it but my Mom, and everyone says its very homey and inviting, and the truth is that everyone that comes to Jacqueline migrates to my side if they can...and I used to know how to cook way back when, I'm sure I could relearn it.

Well, just thought I'd touch base, I don't know why...I'm just so damn used to talking to you every day.

Hope you don't mind. Enjoy your day Mr Big man in many connotations ;-) hide in your office and get stuff done.

hugs,
K
lilkellyg: (Default)
Well we are taking a break in the hotel room until we go out later. N was really tired. We went to the air and space museum this morning, then we met S for lunch after which N and I walked around the natural history museum a bit.

N is a budding photographer, he took possession of the camera, though he'd never used one he got a bunch of good shots, better than my niece or nephew who are much older.

I can tell from a few of S's comments that he thinks I'm getting to fat and flabby.

My feeling about it is, fuck him... I may not be totally happy with myself but I don't need to feel judged by someone else nor do I find it motivating. I find someone who adores me like JM does MUCH more inspirational than someone who has some sort of idea that they're too good.

I want to be hotter for JM, for S I feel resentful.

This is not a good feeling. I am inclined to get in shape and be like I was with my exhusband..

"say something like, now you like me? Well now YOU can't touch this you judgmental shallow fuck"

But I'll keep my friendship with him. No one says we can't stay in touch, and I'll put it off on him when really the truth is, I just don't find it easy to find myself desirous of someone who has his mindset, I've expanded myself but...I'm reaching my limits.

Maybe all the judgment I feel against him is in my head...and maybe not. I guess only time or he will tell.
lilkellyg: (Default)
When I say I’ve learned things here, it is because I’ve become aware of some things… mostly excruciatingly aware of my own dissatisfaction with my dissatisfaction, lol.
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