Learning a thing or two

[lilkellyg]

When I say I’ve learned things here, it is because I’ve become aware of some things… mostly excruciatingly aware of my own dissatisfaction with my dissatisfaction, lol.


It is liberating to be in a place detached from everything, it makes me realize how much of a free agent I really am. I have no worries here and yet I find myself carrying them along with me, SO f’ing attached to them I can’t seem to let them go! To the point of absurdity.

Of course the important thing is, this is NO different than when I’m at home because at home really, I’m equally the same free agent.

I have been blaming myself for years about the lack of forward movement with S but the fact is, it takes two to tango and I should not have been so heavily self-flagellating about things. The truth is…

If he wanted things to be different he could have offered some agency in things. He says he has resisted sweeping in because he wants me to have my own agency but in his effort to not ‘effect’ he has stilted affect. He puts ALL of that on me. He has a body language that says ‘fuck off’ and a way of saying ‘I bend for noone’ and then he gets perturbed at his wife who bends around him…and yet…he wants me to do the same. Prove to him things, and I can’t…

I refuse to prove myself because I simply am.

I may not have bent his way but I HAVE let it effect my general sense of satisfaction.

So, I’ve been feeling as if everything is wrong about my life, I haven’t settled into anything, haven’t been really living, only wishing and worrying and wanting…but not living. And for the longest time, N was enough, being a mother was enough.

It is NOT anymore. Not at ALL. I want adult companionship, mostly of the friendship variety.

So all these years I’ve been thinking about how to please everyone, My parents, N, S…mostly N, and I’ve wanted to remove myself so much from the equation that I’ve failed all of us.

I don’t even know where to start. I have to reconnect with my passions and perhaps explore them to find people similar?

Maybe I can’t know the answers, but I CAN start living more in the real world and less in my head, this vacation is proving VERY difficult for me because I’ve become an ‘over-thinker’ as you call it, absolutely unable to enjoy the present because I’ve been obsessed with wanting things to be different. I think it would take more than 4 days to effect the work I need to.

I need a vacation from every responsibility and want that I let tear me away from myself.

I need to escape that ‘wanting to please’ attitude that keeps me from being grounded in myself.

I know that the mental energy that I devote to worry and wanting what I can’t control CAN be redirected and can be applied to any number of more thoughtful recreational and productive pursuits. My life will become truly mine once again when I grow to re-understand how I am the sol arbiter of my destiny and I am not merely at the mercy of circumstance. Worry and wanting things to be other than they are fosters a feeling of powerlessness.

So, if I divert my energy away from worry and towards productivity it will help me foster a sense of agency and security and the security I can engender in this way today will become the foundation upon which I can truly thrive.

The hardest thing for me is to learn to love and also be detached. To care about S whilst I don’t care what he thinks, at least not to the degree that it makes me unhappy that I can’t be who and what he wants me to be.

The truth is, he longs, not necessarily for me to be what he wants so much as someone, he has the same longing as do all of us. So, I shouldn’t take his longing so personal, that is his own issue. He loves me, and as I texted today, only he can decide whether he accepts that love, accepts me for me, I can’t twist myself up trying to be in ANY way what he longs for. If he didn’t care he wouldn’t feel chagrin to see me fatter, lol.

If he wants a life together he will have to say more than circuitous promises, especially now that he sees my son is a REAL person.

I can’t be perfect, I can only be me, and in that self determination ONLY I get to decide what gets my mental, spiritual, and physical energy and attention.

If I want to be a mother and not spend two hours a day exercising like the women with the tight bodies he admires, so be it. If I decide I want to exercise more so be it, it has and should have little to do with him.

To feel secure one needs to have a clear understanding of what is within one’s power to control, such that effort, belief, and faith are among those things, but only when they pertain to oneself and never when we try to control someone else, least of all their affections.

I have ‘worried away’ so much of my mental energy lately, fretted time and opportunity, mostly born of frustration because I am so unsatisfied.

And the most criminal thing is I’ve lost touch with what of that unsatisfaction in mine and what rightfully belongs elsewhere.

So, I have developed the very bad habit of complaining that you are subjected to because I am unhappy, complaining rather than doing something, I do apologize for that.

I have been stuck in inaction when I know there is no one that can change my circumstances but myself.

I think I have reached the end of what work can give me, what you can give me, what S can give me, etc.