(no subject)

Bout to hit the road soon

It turns out I’m not staying at the Crowne Plaza, I’m staying at the Willard Intercontinental which looks to be more expensive and a block and a half from the white house Weird. I’m not paying the published price. Its an interesting ‘fuck up’. Reminds me of when I put a pilot in hotel in Boston and inadvertently booked through hotels.com. I think I should stay away from booking online. This time though, I booked through my priority rewards and got rewarded with an upgrade.

DC

So, we're in DC, it was a crazy long drive because we faced a LOT of weather and I was sick the whole time, I don't know if it was stress or what. So when I saw S I felt like I was stinky and nasty and I didn't even try to look for a spare moment of privacy to be intimate.

What the fuck is wrong with me?????

I'm SO freaking paranoid around S, I find it hard to believe that he's attracted to me considering he's such a fitness nut. I know my paranoia and shyness is ruining things but I can't seem to stop myself, I freeze.

I fear he's running out of patience.

He makes SO many comments about my racist parents, and has a much different attitude than JM. JM laughs that they're going to like me whether they want to or not and sure enough my father liked him when he met him.

So, I feel like such a failure when it comes to S, but he's 'so married' that sometimes I just don't know what he wants from me. His life is just as out of my league as mine is from him.

JM tells me to stop worrying about it, just think of S as my man and be happy.

Wow...he's SO freaking supportive of me, even though I get bitter sometimes, he does love me, sort like L does. I guess its easy to love me when you are madly in love and committed with someone else. So...if that is so..

I don't understand where all my insecurity with S comes from...I think its because I think he loves me in that 'agape' way and not in the way of a man passionate about a woman.

And I feel for him a well of tenderness, and I want to let the tenderness build into passion, but he's looking for my passion and he doesn't find my tenderness appealing perhaps.

Please God, let us find a way to connect soon. Here I am closer to him and I couldn't feel farther away...at least I'm afraid thats the way he feels about me.

Just thinking

I am wanting to be a person different than I am. But why? I’m a good person. I am kind, thoughtful, I work hard, I have a good sense of humor, I’m ok.

Its funny how for years I wanted something different from the ordinary life and now I find myself wanting for some of the trappings of an ordinary life.

I am going to make a BIG confession here, for some reason it is a big one for me. I read about other poly people, or even triad’s or polyfidelitous people and I’m exceedingly envious. I want a family AND I want poly, and as a secondary I seem to have to trade family for poly.

For example in an ideal world Di would be sane and a person who didn’t give a fuck what other people thought like me and we could all hang together. But the truth is…someone always wants the title, to be the numero uno.

I’m not sure I want to be the numero uno but I want to matter, to have weight, commitment, purpose, to be needed.

And there is the fact that…

People want to fit in, want to be legit. Especially when we have kids because we don’t want to hang sh** on our kids.

Of course N is already dealing with not having a ‘traditional family’ and I think he’s ok. I think he would do better with more people to love him.

It might be my own lack of courage that fails to bring my dream to fruition but I don’t think so. No one wants to risk either.

S is comfortable with his world…well not so much him. HE would change it but SHE would not and He is comfortable with what THEY have so…

Its easy to for him to insist I change MY whole life.

Should I tell him that N said today that S and LW could be like his Papa and Mama if we moved here?

Of course they don’t want to be like Papa and Mama…that is a HUGE commitment, and its easier to insist that I change MY life to give part time access.

That is the whole problem, I think I’m losing faith in the paradigm, in people’s capacity to push against the status quo and just love.

JM has now pushed me into the unground. I’m in effect the ‘other woman’. He loves me but he can’t admit it, and he’s afraid of kissing me because he’s afraid it will only grow stronger and more torturous.