I have more than two partners and I'm not a vixen, I'm a modest shy woman

[lilkellyg]

I have romantic emotions that keep going up and down. I was feeling so insecure about S and then we go and have the most lovely, most glowing conversation. I think the up and down comes from the up and down of my own acceptance of reality, of the deprogramming of all the fairy tales we are fed by society and religion.

I still struggle to process some of the ‘poly stuff’ trying to integrate it as much as possible into my life but it is nearly impossible to fully integrate because it is not acceptable in society and I am a single mother so I need to hide it from my son so he doesn’t feel the ‘un-acceptableness’ of his own mother.

I was reading two things yesterday that angered me as a woman who would simply like to own my own sexuality without it casting aspersions upon my overall ‘morality’.

One was a divorce proceeding where the Poly partner was basically told that their children could not even be introduced to any partner who had another active partner whether or not the child knew about the arrangements.

The second thing was the reading I did into the Amanda Knox conviction. I have tried to see where Amanda Knox’s engaging in her own sexuality wasn’t demonized beyond rational perspectives. I don’t see evidence equivalent to proving her completely moral corruptness such that she would butcher an innocent party and somehow seduce two virtual strangers to go along with her due to some sexual kink.

As a person who lived and studied and slept with a man abroad (only one in my case) I understand the sweetness yet shallowness of the connections one makes. The odds that she could convince two utter strangers to murder…well there is a LOT wacky about the case.

I wont go into that but I feel she was convicted in the court of public opinion because she drank, partied and had casual sex. This does not equate to MURDER and by all accounts she was a functioning member of society able to hold jobs and excel at school something most sociopaths are unable to do well because they can’t handle the constraints of bosses and schools because they feel usually that they are too smart for “all that”.

So IMO it is highly probable that she was convicted of nothing more than shedding her DNA cells in her own living space and of being a ‘vixen’.

So how does a young women embrace in today’s culture her own sexuality, how does she engage in it without cheapening her own self, how does she develop her OWN moral compass in a society which gives her no true compass and convicts her no matter which way she goes. Prude, cold icy, slutty, whorish, …she can’t win really… not in any sane way, she ends up twisting on a torment of never feeling ‘quite right’. It takes a LONG time before we put all of ourselves together, well into our 30s for many.

The ONLY way a woman can get out of all of that ‘morass’, the only ‘get out of jail free card she is told to buy is to ‘be in love’. If she’s in love sex is lovely. If she’s not in love, if she engages in sexual exploits where clearly she’s not in love she becomes suspect and is highly vulnerable to being convicted of being a subpar human being in sum total.

This is a heavy burden to bear even for a slut like me. I would MUCH rather have society’s blessing upon my life and relationships because it would just be so much lighter and easier to bear. But the truth is that ‘in love’ ‘love’ ‘friendship’ these are all shades of gray. I do not engage in sexual intercourse with people I don’t like and find engaging in some way but the love can have all sorts of nuances and doesn’t have to be the sort of ‘in-love-ness’ where we ‘own’ each other.

Where does the intersection of sex and love lie for a woman today? Frankly where did it EVER lie and how did it become conflated? Why has it always been possible for men to bed women for sexual needs and it has always been ‘understandable’ and they are also able to make love when that connection is called for as well and its all ‘boys being boys’…‘understandable’, but for women she MUST love to be “good” or “normal”, and oh what sort of woman would give her self without the promise of love?? Might she be, sick, pathetic, a whore, misguided, depraved, sociopathic even?

When God WHEN will we ever give up the double standard? The truth is when I was young I ALSO believed I HAD to be in love. I was so sure that sex was SO sacred that ONLY love would or could provide a measure of when I should open myself up to ‘such vulnerablity’.

I often joke that women who are raised with the ‘sacred sexuality for love only’ are in for a deep and abiding disappointment the first time their husband rolls on them and then off them as he uses sex as a stress relief and a ‘sleeping pill’ at night. So much for their sacred sexuality. LOL

The truth is we CAN inflate ANYTHING we want with spirituality. Since sex is such an intimate activity where we share our normally ‘private’ nakedness’ and ‘privates’ with someone it is an area that lends itself to sacredness, not to mention the pleasure and that it is the way of bringing new life into the world.

So I think it is human and natural to experience sexuality as intense on multiple levels and women whose bodies are objectified naturally by the male sexual urge feel a vulnerability in the sexual act AND an empowerment that is just….simply lovely.

There is nothing more disheartening to me than hooking up with a man who has become conditioned by society’s embracing of this ethic to think I should be an ‘object’, should be doing a pole dance for him, who has ingested unconsciously that it is ok that he experience only that side of the sexual self of a male. For a male fed ONLY his visual cortex as far as sexual engagement has also lost something.

The truth is for BOTH men and women fully engaging in the glory of sexuality at its fullness involves more than concepts or images, it is in the touch, the sensual expression of the ME meeting the YOU.

The sharing alone, the conjoining is the sacred wonderful thing, not the performance or the ‘image’ of how the performance SHOULD be.

Sexual intercourse should unfold with each individual partner like a lotus, each unfolding its own color and texture, creating a lotus unlike any other. The moment we try to create a certain form instead of glorying in the one created is the minute we experience the bitter entrance of disappointment into our sexuality.

I think sometimes we are filled with such fluff from the movies and from our own moments of NRE and ‘glow’ that we think its ALWAYS supposed to be the way of the ‘dream and when it is not we conflate it into ‘something is wrong’. One of the most wrong situations society tries to fill our heads with is sex with just anyone as opposed to our ‘one and only’.

But what if nothing is ‘wrong’? What if sex is perfectly ‘not perfect’? The wrong thing is the image of perfection we hold everything up to. That is why I like Poly because it allows me to love people uniquely for their own perfection. There is a place for every sort of flower in the garden of my life.

But LOVE, ah LOVE! This is the way its supposed to go….and the juices, boy are they powerful, the love juices combined with the sexual, it IS magical, but it simply is what it is. I want to fall into that delusion too because for some moments under the moonlight with the right sort of kisses and with grand doses of love!!!!…it seems almost real…

This is what happens with our first love, it IS swimming it IS wonderful because that is what we have been raised to think ‘true love is’ and we make and create it as just that for a certain interval of time and then when real life intervenes we become disappointed.

For me I was lucky because my first sexual experience was linked up with all that magic…I was head over heals in love with my first love. I’m sure the sexual joy was part of that whole experience too as we were completely comfortable engaging each other in mutual explorations of our sexuality. I never felt bad, not for a moment.

I was 17, a reasonable age, I thought it reasonable then and I still think it now, we were also acutely aware that we were going to get our hearts broken that given the realities of life and college etc, we likely would part one day. We knew what we had was VERY special but likely wasn’t going to be our ‘one and only.’

The human species is meant to breed young and we have EVERY impulse to do it, that is when our offspring have the greatest chance of survival, especially considering that long ago we may not have lived as long. To be engineered as a species to have our first child in our 30s would have been ridiculous. And to think that we can put off sexuality in such a way is sad and ridiculous.

So, when I see people expecting their children to wait until marriage to have sex when ‘marriage and children’ in today’s society is put off well into ones late twenties, that is if one is to succeed in developing the skills necessary to succeed…well it just seems so freaking ludacris as to be laughable and delusional.

And yet people STILL propose such paradigms because they are unable to conceive of another and it is this paradigm that pushes all the libidinous women into the category of whores if their number creep too high before they find ‘Mr Right”.

The truth, children ARE having sex younger than in my day and they are doing it in the rather natural sportsmanship way that likely their impulses call for and the mass media promotes in the Videos. I accept this sort of sexuality but it worries me in its ‘performance art’ aspect, it seems to depersonalized but that could just be an ‘old person’ talking.

I would argue with my son that he should wait for someone he feels intimately trusting confidence with, that he loves and that loves him so they can begin to truly explore the nature of love and sex together and so that he can learn how to engage all of himself in the sexual romantic paradigm.

I would recommend that but I would not cast judgment upon him if it didn’t’ happen that way, and I wouldn’t of a daughter either. Love can still be discovered and explored in subsequent partners and slutting around during a phase of ones life doesn’t make one a ‘lost soul’.

Love starts with embracing oneself first.

Freed from pregnancy young girls are enjoying and engaging their sexuality equal to men and there are studies that show that except for the social stigma they often are not damaged by the activity any more than the males ares.

BUT they ARE damaged by the stigma when it can cast such severe aspersions upon them. When teenage girls are committing suicide because the epitet ‘whore’ is launched at her for an activity other girls are jealous of .

So the whole process is difficult to tease apart, one from the other.

I have in most ways completely unhinged myself from the social stigma attached to my sexuality. I don’t count anymore my partners I just don’t care. BUT I can tell that my girlfriends care, that they judge me. They all still cling to the numbers, some even go back to past partners since past partners don’t add to the digits….ah the technicalities of being sexual without ‘too slutty’ or just plain dirty.

ALL that I care about is whether I like my partners enough to enjoy such an intimate activity with them and whether or not I can feel fully engaged. I have the capacity to both make love and to have sex. I have had a couple disappointing partners where I misjudged their (or my ability) to engage with them but I liked them enough to find that out and so I don’t really have regrets. I don’t consider myself a slut.

But I know I am a woman who acts in a salacious manner by most people’s standards, I’ve engaged in sexual play if not intercourse with a handful of men and a woman in the past year,.

So, I take umbrage when someone equates a females sexual appetite with something immoral about her in general. I take particular umbrage when it is equated to something so morally bankrupt as to make her criminal.

It just is ridiculous to have a world today where people are proposing that women should wait until marriage to have sex. And also ridiculous that her sexuality and her overall morality are tied together. Sex is not a good reason to marry, never was.

Abstinence is a ridiculous and anti-life concept. It is time we develop a new morality around our sexuality and a wider understanding of the kinds of love the human heart is capable of.

I’m not going to say what it is supposed to be, simply that its time. To me personally, extreme promiscuity is akin to gluttony, it likely constitutes a habit of unconsciously engaging in sexual activities and proclivities with shallow intention and disappointing rewards. But who am I to question, I don’t think it’s a big enough sin to brand the person in bed with other bigger crimes. I don’t even attempt to try to figure out what constitutes ‘extreme promiscuity’.

And I AM capable of love, at least ‘enough love’ to have more than one loving partner at a time, and I’m not morally bankrupt.

In fact the quality and caliber of love I give to my multiple partners is MUCH higher than that I assaulted my previous ‘one and only’s’ with. Serious. Maybe I’ve just become the hooker with the heart of gold, except I’m receiving in love payment for giving out love and I’m not trading on much more than that.

So, I’m a slut, I’m a whore and I could never hurt a fly, sorry people who want to paint me as some sort of deviant social misfit.