A quick visit
Apr. 10th, 2010 10:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lilkellygA strange thing happened last night, well not strange, just the stuff of ‘normal’ life? I went to see S, we went up to his hotel room, reacquainted and fell into making love, the details of which I won’t go into, but I felt the slight sense that he was not entirely there with me. He got up to wash up, went over to roll a smoke and while doing that he phoned LW.
Then they had words, or more like, he was confronting her about something ardently and I remembered at that point that when I had driven up he had been arguing with her then and so he greeted me kind of with a bark because he was distracted with wrapping up with her.
Now when they were having our post coital argument I didn’t really listen to the sum total of it because it seemed such an intimate thing to witness that I went in the bathroom and read my emails, but I heard enough to know it was about confronting her boss to demand he help pay the moving expenses and compensate them for the move to DC which he didn’t want to do.
She must have asked to say hi to me and I messed up the ear bud so she ended up on speaker phone, and I could hear her voice echoing in the room, and he was staring at me with all kinds of irritation on his face and from her voice I could tell she was SO upset and was hurting SO much that I felt quite bad to be sitting there with him when I wished he could be where she was to console her.
Only…it is an ongoing problem and that is why she is so inconsolable. I didn’t address her upset because I didn’t know how to do it with him standing there. I’m still all so new to this poly thing.
We had some talks in and out of true intimacy, wavering back and forth between closeness and distance, the lovemaking had been that way too.
We talked somewhat about the situation between them and I could tell he felt closer to me at those times. I also used the opportunity to gently call him out on a ‘blind’ area I see in him although he doesn’t acknowledge that he has any blind areas.
It was interesting to see how the interpersonal dynamics effect one another. He wasn’t fully with me, and I feel that since HE feels he was because ‘he’s always present’ he will attribute the distance to me, or to us. But the fact is greeting me with a bark alone was a way of triggering my ‘intimidated self’.
I was driving home this morning thinking we have a problem sexually, it is not a bad sexual connection but simply is not the best, he does not turn me on tremendously nor I think do I do him. I think for me it has to do with his rigidity, I feel almost as if he is ‘waiting for me to perform’ rather than feeling me. It is similar to the feeling I had with J and radically different that that which I have with JM or L. And now because of JM I KNOW it has nothing to do with looks or hotness. JM is likely ‘hotter’ than S and he is quite a bit more ‘endowed’.
But I don’t mean to compare, for what would be the point, I only note. And for me having S as a love is ok because he’s not my ‘only’ and I can pick up the reinforcements I need elsewhere to be strong for him.
He told me last night that he told LW that he was done looking for her to be his Tantric partner, that he was going to find someone else to fill that roll. I don’t think that he expects me to fill that roll, at least I don’t see how he can as I just don’t feel that level of comfort with him and my time with J has taught me not to expect that to change. So I suspect he WILL look harder for that person, and hopefully if he finds her he will still see fit to want to engage me.
So, it occurred to me as I driving watching the sun rise over the trees with the radio playing, my life is not too bad, I don’t want to live with that rigidity, I don’t want to be in the marine corps, lol. I like my life right now, my son, my dog, the softness of it all, I just need to expand it, organically. And from a distance, in small doses, with detachment S can be a softness.
Then they had words, or more like, he was confronting her about something ardently and I remembered at that point that when I had driven up he had been arguing with her then and so he greeted me kind of with a bark because he was distracted with wrapping up with her.
Now when they were having our post coital argument I didn’t really listen to the sum total of it because it seemed such an intimate thing to witness that I went in the bathroom and read my emails, but I heard enough to know it was about confronting her boss to demand he help pay the moving expenses and compensate them for the move to DC which he didn’t want to do.
She must have asked to say hi to me and I messed up the ear bud so she ended up on speaker phone, and I could hear her voice echoing in the room, and he was staring at me with all kinds of irritation on his face and from her voice I could tell she was SO upset and was hurting SO much that I felt quite bad to be sitting there with him when I wished he could be where she was to console her.
Only…it is an ongoing problem and that is why she is so inconsolable. I didn’t address her upset because I didn’t know how to do it with him standing there. I’m still all so new to this poly thing.
We had some talks in and out of true intimacy, wavering back and forth between closeness and distance, the lovemaking had been that way too.
We talked somewhat about the situation between them and I could tell he felt closer to me at those times. I also used the opportunity to gently call him out on a ‘blind’ area I see in him although he doesn’t acknowledge that he has any blind areas.
It was interesting to see how the interpersonal dynamics effect one another. He wasn’t fully with me, and I feel that since HE feels he was because ‘he’s always present’ he will attribute the distance to me, or to us. But the fact is greeting me with a bark alone was a way of triggering my ‘intimidated self’.
I was driving home this morning thinking we have a problem sexually, it is not a bad sexual connection but simply is not the best, he does not turn me on tremendously nor I think do I do him. I think for me it has to do with his rigidity, I feel almost as if he is ‘waiting for me to perform’ rather than feeling me. It is similar to the feeling I had with J and radically different that that which I have with JM or L. And now because of JM I KNOW it has nothing to do with looks or hotness. JM is likely ‘hotter’ than S and he is quite a bit more ‘endowed’.
But I don’t mean to compare, for what would be the point, I only note. And for me having S as a love is ok because he’s not my ‘only’ and I can pick up the reinforcements I need elsewhere to be strong for him.
He told me last night that he told LW that he was done looking for her to be his Tantric partner, that he was going to find someone else to fill that roll. I don’t think that he expects me to fill that roll, at least I don’t see how he can as I just don’t feel that level of comfort with him and my time with J has taught me not to expect that to change. So I suspect he WILL look harder for that person, and hopefully if he finds her he will still see fit to want to engage me.
So, it occurred to me as I driving watching the sun rise over the trees with the radio playing, my life is not too bad, I don’t want to live with that rigidity, I don’t want to be in the marine corps, lol. I like my life right now, my son, my dog, the softness of it all, I just need to expand it, organically. And from a distance, in small doses, with detachment S can be a softness.
