Always the bridesmaid
Mar. 14th, 2010 09:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lilkellygI wonder if I write about my feelings about JM if that will help me find more balance, or at the very least help me achieve the balance that I seem to be lacking.
I have always sought to be my best person in regards to him but in some ways I have to confess I’m disappointed in myself in the ways things have gone. Ever since Di started to become jealous we’ve been put in the position of being hemmed in by that jealousy, and now his promotion means that too much intimacy between us breaks another taboo.
I hate that morally I’ve no control over my own friendship whether to deepen it, let it go, etc. It is beyond my control or even my domain. This is hard to take, it makes me feel insignificant and powerless.
I feel guilty because of how deeply I’ve come to care about him and I think I matter to him too. So what do we do? Are we required to stop being friends because it is not allowed? How can that be fair? But then again, what right have I to complain because whoever said that life is fair? And the truth is we are far closer than society says is ok for friends or even coworkers to be.
I don’t make the rules I just live in a society with them.
Sometimes I chock it all, the complicated mess of it, up to ‘things happen’ and I feel I should just be grateful to have another person in my life who knows me well and at other times I’m severely dismayed because the rules of society have pushed me down to a level where I’ve become ‘his dirty secret’.
I will take the secret because I know many people have them and as ‘my friend’ he has TONS more access to my life than he ever would have as my lover. So there is a LOT to be appreciative of that we are ‘just friends’.
Still, I want to be more than a dirty secret. That doesn’t mean I want anything “more” with him, I’m happy with deep loving friendship and the occasional sexual play if that were allowed. I don’t want to be ‘his woman’ or any of that stuff but I DON”T want to be a dirty secret either. The problem is that there is no ‘category’ for what I am or what we want with each other.
I want to be another source of love in his life, and I want him to be the same for me. How is that bad?
I have wondered but only barely what it would be like if he were not dating someone and I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t know and that I don’t think I could give him what he needs in that department anyway. Its amazing the degree to which I put ‘all that’ out of my head, it actually doesn’t exist in my head.
I really don’t want anything but that they be happy, I just wish that she were poly but I know she never will be.
I guess that the proper thing, the most loving thing I should hold on to is what makes them happy, what serves them? I suppose I should that use as my guiding directive. What serves their happiness….
Only, what about me? Why can I never matter? What about my humanity? What about my needs?
If she hadn’t Ok’d that we fool around I’m sure I wouldn’t even have allowed myself that luxury, but how Lord HOW do I put that cat back in the bag??? I suppose there is wisdom to the people who say such things are dangerous. I suppose that is why she’s frightened, only I don’t want more, I don’t allow myself that. But I want what we started, I want the freedom to taste him on occasion and bring him pleasure. I want to be able to express my affections sexually as the icing on the cake of things, no more.
Even S doesn’t know how close we are, though I suspect he knows by the sheer amount I talk of him. I can’t tell him because if I told him that Di became uncomfortable he would tell me what I know…that at that point I was obligated to cut things off.
How can a person’s heart be turned on and off in such a cold manner? I’m not their sex toy, I’m not inanimate? Is that any more honest? What is the point of that lie, why is it any better?
Living life honestly is hard in a world where most people can’t ‘handle the truth’. How do I hold my head up high when I’m just some low down thing to her?
I have always sought to be my best person in regards to him but in some ways I have to confess I’m disappointed in myself in the ways things have gone. Ever since Di started to become jealous we’ve been put in the position of being hemmed in by that jealousy, and now his promotion means that too much intimacy between us breaks another taboo.
I hate that morally I’ve no control over my own friendship whether to deepen it, let it go, etc. It is beyond my control or even my domain. This is hard to take, it makes me feel insignificant and powerless.
I feel guilty because of how deeply I’ve come to care about him and I think I matter to him too. So what do we do? Are we required to stop being friends because it is not allowed? How can that be fair? But then again, what right have I to complain because whoever said that life is fair? And the truth is we are far closer than society says is ok for friends or even coworkers to be.
I don’t make the rules I just live in a society with them.
Sometimes I chock it all, the complicated mess of it, up to ‘things happen’ and I feel I should just be grateful to have another person in my life who knows me well and at other times I’m severely dismayed because the rules of society have pushed me down to a level where I’ve become ‘his dirty secret’.
I will take the secret because I know many people have them and as ‘my friend’ he has TONS more access to my life than he ever would have as my lover. So there is a LOT to be appreciative of that we are ‘just friends’.
Still, I want to be more than a dirty secret. That doesn’t mean I want anything “more” with him, I’m happy with deep loving friendship and the occasional sexual play if that were allowed. I don’t want to be ‘his woman’ or any of that stuff but I DON”T want to be a dirty secret either. The problem is that there is no ‘category’ for what I am or what we want with each other.
I want to be another source of love in his life, and I want him to be the same for me. How is that bad?
I have wondered but only barely what it would be like if he were not dating someone and I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t know and that I don’t think I could give him what he needs in that department anyway. Its amazing the degree to which I put ‘all that’ out of my head, it actually doesn’t exist in my head.
I really don’t want anything but that they be happy, I just wish that she were poly but I know she never will be.
I guess that the proper thing, the most loving thing I should hold on to is what makes them happy, what serves them? I suppose I should that use as my guiding directive. What serves their happiness….
Only, what about me? Why can I never matter? What about my humanity? What about my needs?
If she hadn’t Ok’d that we fool around I’m sure I wouldn’t even have allowed myself that luxury, but how Lord HOW do I put that cat back in the bag??? I suppose there is wisdom to the people who say such things are dangerous. I suppose that is why she’s frightened, only I don’t want more, I don’t allow myself that. But I want what we started, I want the freedom to taste him on occasion and bring him pleasure. I want to be able to express my affections sexually as the icing on the cake of things, no more.
Even S doesn’t know how close we are, though I suspect he knows by the sheer amount I talk of him. I can’t tell him because if I told him that Di became uncomfortable he would tell me what I know…that at that point I was obligated to cut things off.
How can a person’s heart be turned on and off in such a cold manner? I’m not their sex toy, I’m not inanimate? Is that any more honest? What is the point of that lie, why is it any better?
Living life honestly is hard in a world where most people can’t ‘handle the truth’. How do I hold my head up high when I’m just some low down thing to her?
