Miscellaneous random thoughts yet again

I have been managing to get some yoga in every day, today I did a full hour. I’ve promised myself only that I’ll do the sun salutation every morning along with some crunches. That’s it.

The truth is I AM in poor shape so S was right about that. Only, I don’t like his attitude and I’m not sure I can get beyond it. I DO recognize he has a right to feel the way he does and when I have some spare time I’ll sort through getting in touch with ‘his needs’ about the matter to see if I can gain some compassion.

I haven’t actually talked to him since we ‘disengaged’ suddenly. I did send a text as my form of an olive branch but they are in the process of moving so he is very busy and it is highly unlikely he even notices we haven’t talked.

I AM feeling the fringes of sad so I know that I will have to face the issue soon.

JM keeps insisting that I NEED to talk to S and tell him how I feel. It is just SO easy with a long distance relationship to let things slide, maybe that’s how they die, lack of real communication.

Speaking of which, I acquired a CD copy of ‘nonviolent communication’ and I’m finally on the ‘meat and potatoes’ part of it after a lot of ‘examples’ of how it has helped without getting into the substance, I’m highly hopeful I will learn a thing or two from it.

I feel somewhat nervous from not facing my deepest feelings.

I’m well beyond the stage of thinking things with S are perfect or that he is perfect, but I do love him and wish to have him in my life, and I KNOW if that is the case that I HAVE to be able to speak up. I can’t let thing simmer until I feel rage and outrageous feelings that could threaten to ruin the equilibrium of the relationships.

There are becoming more and more topics that he declares off the table such as work, so if I do the same who knows what we will be left with.

He doesn’t want me to talk about work because he doesn’t approve of me working for the man and well..

Work is, too consuming. I have increasing responsibility with no pay and no title and no reward but with the sure knowledge that I can say I’ve been an integral part of making the department work and have genuinely taken on a leadership role.

So I see it as skill building S sees it as wasting my time. JM tells me he will continue to work to get me recognized but we’re fighting the perception that he is singing my praises because I’m his friend so unless I show my skills to others outside the department (which I’m doing) the perception will be hard to allay.

I figure that until I come up with a way to make my own living outside of a ‘work life’ I’m gonna hone my skills the best I can.

In general I’m trying to embrace gratitude in an attempt to eradicate my discontent that has been plaguing me for FAR too long.

Discontent that comes from..

I wish…

Well God knows what I wish for…I’m done with uttering the words, either it’ll happen or it wont.

Feeling grateful and grounded

The day when we were hanging out, the three of us, and I talked of aging gracefully and accepting grays etc he brought up Jamie Lee Curtis and how ‘bad’ she looks and I found it ironic because I LOVE the fact that Jamie isn’t like the rest of the ‘plastic’ baby boomers who are dying their hair into pretending they’re still 40.

Jamie Lee is the same age as him, so now I realize why he said it. I felt sorry though for LW, and my own self who although younger is also subject to the same ‘relentless ravages of time”…and in the case of ‘our’ relationship HIS views upon what is attractive having to do with youth.

I don’t want to freak out. NO I don’t want to go gentle onto that good night, BUT I don’t want to pretend that youth is the only virtue for with age comes wisdom, strength of a different kind and grace.

I want to be present, not glorifying the past or dreading the future. I want to be me…simply me.

So, anyway, I thought of S and what he said about Jamie because I read an article tonight in regards to her processing her mother’s death. In it she talks of her mother’s distance and her obsession with her looks and how it was difficult on her mother when she ‘came out’ with no makeup on or touchups. Why? Why not present our real selves to the world?

But it was this quote that most caught my eye in the article on Jamie:

“ it was Curtis' daughter, Annie, then just 17, who left a last impression at the funeral. "She described seeing my mother after she had died and mused that she felt her death might in fact be her greatest accomplishment -- because at that moment she was finally able to let go of the clenched control of her life, she was able to trust in her family, that she could go and we'd all be fine."

It struck me of my own mother and her belief that I am ‘not good enough’ and I see so clearly that it isn’t so much that she finds me inadequate, it is about HER control, HER wanting to ‘mother’ me in ways that she couldn’t and she can’t.

SO, when? When am I going to truly claim my own person? Not my mother or S or anyone gets to ‘judge me’ or ‘mentor me’. WHEN? When am I going to say I am good enough and I am ok?

NOW.

There is no time like the present. NOW is the moment when I say. I AM ok, I will be ok, I can handle what I need to handle. I am no longer the scared young child or the insecure young woman who compares and finds myself lacking.

I’m not lacking, I’m ME, and I’m ok, and its ok that I’m not perfect and I don’t know the answers because I DO have the requisite skills to get through, and I’ve learned that I CAN learn and can grow and so…that which I don’t yet know I CAN learn and I can grow.

It occurs to me that EVERYTHING I’ve gone through has had a purpose because I am an inherently HONEST person, I HAVE had to KNOW all this, I couldn’t just fake it until I make it because that wouldn’t feel honest to my core self, so ALL of my trials and all of my suffering have been for a reason: to get me to the place where I feel OK, where I KNOW and so can feel that I AM good enough.

So now I sit on the cusp of the rest of my days and EVERY one of my gray hairs and EVERY one of my imperfections and scares from the trials of my life spell out my truth, and I don’t want to deny them because that wouldn’t be honest, that would be ‘faking’ how I got here.

There is no shame that I’ve had to walk my own path, that it has taken me longer than it has ‘supposedly’ taken others because I see time and time again that those who have ‘faked’ it still lack that core knowledge that can only come from life experience.

So tonight as I sit here, I love myself, I might not necessarily like everything about me, I might see all my imperfections but I can choose in what ways I want to grown next and I find that absolutely invigorating and for the first time in my life I AM NOT AFRAID but excited.

And I am grateful…for it all.