Mar. 22nd, 2010

lilkellyg: (Default)
I was looking at my body today in the mirror as I was getting ready, and I've decided that I sort of like my fuller flesh when I'm naked, because it fills out the stretched out areas from when I was heavier. Everything looks better than when I was 115 lbs or even 125.

So I am going to have to stop hating myself because of S's standards, I'm never going to be a hardbody, I don't want to be one. It is the biggest obstacle between our being partners and it may be a deal breaker because I've spent far too many years hating my body and myself. It is difficult to let go with him sexually if I'm worried about that and cognizant of his repulsion towards fat and flab. I work very hard to separate that issue, what is HIS issue versus mine, because he has a LOT of fat hatred, I suppose one too many fat women chastised him for not desiring them.

JM is healing me with my own relationship to my body, helping me with my self acceptance because lord knows he is fit and tight, as much so as S, but he doesn't make me feel anything but desired, as he puts it...every imperfection of my body is just a map of my life story, and he is grateful for every portion, every line of it because it has led me to him and makes me the person he loves.

I mean damn, how sweet is that! and how much do I need to hear it after all these years!!!

He is so fucking great in bed, I want to give him everything, I want to be able to give him my pleasure in a way I haven't been able to relate to a man in years. I'm not going to compare or feel guilty that he brings this out in me, I'm going to simply embrace it.

Realistically, as far as my body, I DO know I'm living on borrowed time, the little bit of form I have left is due to the exercise I did in the past and the more I sit idle the more I'm losing that and it will be much harder to regain than retain.

I do want to look as good as I can for this younger man who desires me, lol.

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lilkellyg

June 2010

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