Mar. 13th, 2010

lilkellyg: (Default)
If I lived elsewhere would I be able to say no to a night with my kid and send him to overnight with his grandparents? I feel SO guilty when I don’t spend my spare time with him. If the deal with the house goes through I'd be able to be free but not totally, not as totally as I dream of.

I always make all my choices putting him first but what about me?

The problem is I’m finding myself discontent with having no life and I’m so bummed and depressed so often that I am not able to spend quality time with him anyway because I just don’t feel present.

It has been years now since I’ve met S, and ironically I’m talking of buying a house that would provide me with no means to incorporate him into my life in any manner and that was the original idea of all of my liberation activities, to be able to be free to have him or anyone else come or go as we desired.

Maybe this is because I still can’t see how this ‘polyamory thing’ really works in a more substantive way than the feeling realm. How do people merge lives in multiple ways when the whole of society is constructed upon the premise of a bicycle built for two?

I see them as 'having their own life together' a life into which I don't fit so in some sense it seems only practical to build my life without him as a factor. Only my heart doesn't like that 'pragmatic' solution...my heart wants more.

Ironically at the same time that I’m thinking of buying said house I’m planning on FINALLY introducing him to my child and finally getting face to face time with LW.

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lilkellyg

June 2010

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