lilkellyg: (Default)
My former co-worker called me yesterday to say she’d dreamt that I got a ‘dream job’. I joked with her that I hope she’s psychic. Maybe this job my friend is offering me is a ‘dream job’, maybe its not, I will try to stay very level until the offer is on the table and my vision is clear. All I DO know is I am I’m feeling more open to what the universe has to offer me. My current position has its stresses and there is little room for me to grow but it has its advantages, its stability and it is certainly not boring, I fear boredom.

Still I need to conceive of possibility.

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So I played hooky yesterday, meaning I left work after an hour and a half. I ended up meeting up with JM and we sat around and then ate lunch. I told him we needed to stop fucking and he laughed and said there is no way I’m going to be able to resist it and he isn’t going to even sweat it cause he knows we’re going to fuck again.

He also told me that he wouldn’t want to date me because he wouldn’t want to deal with the drama such would cause my parents.

He’s so handsome I just like looking at him, hell I love looking at him it makes me happy, his face, his cheeks, the breath moving through his body. He told me yesterday that he finds it odd that he doesn't think of me as a white woman, doesn't think of me as anyone but someone he loves to be with. I must confess, physically, I MUCH more attracted to him than any other man I've ever been with. I will never tell him that because its 'too much pressure'. But yeah, I yearn to touch him, to be free to touch him with all my heart.

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So JM texted me this morning and told me to listen to the song Lady by Kenny Rogers, that the song is for me.

Then he went on to talk about all of his kids, his and hers and what he wants to give them.

He tells me all the time how much I have saved him and made him a better man how much he needs me, how I have no idea really what I mean to it. I think it has truth to it.

He says she makes him a better man by requiring him to be understanding whereas I do by advising and inspiring him.

I know that she has so much more to give him than I ever could, a family, a life, she's younger and prettier, she cooks, she healthier. I know this and so I'm grateful he has her.

He wants to encourage me to believe and express myself more. He thinks so highly of me, tells me all the time he wishes he had my brain.

Like everyone he is convinced I am better alone.

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lilkellyg: (Default)
He calls me 'love' almost all the time now, or 'boo' or 'babe'. I don't say it back. I call him my 'darlin' or 'dear' which I call everyone.

I have been strong in maintaining that I can't be owned nor have any interest in owning, but I AM paranoid and mindful of the the programing.

He reminds me often that I could not be happy any other way, which is something S doesn't do. He champions my relationship with S and even my occasional dalliances. In some ways he accepts me MORE than S...well actually differently. S elevates me. Entirely! JM grounds me.

This morning he told me he loves me from the tip of my toes to the top of my head. He tells me often how much he craves simply to be near to me and I don't doubt it because we miss each other when when we're apart, enough that we text or call often.

Tonight he said he wants to spoil me because I've been working so hard. That one really touches me because of the word, no one has ever wanted to spoil me, not really. In the end it doesn't matter because it likely won't happen. I'm over here, he's over there.

There is a part of me that is terrified by such words of affection. S loves me too, I can feel it and I pull away from him too. Why do I do it? S is even less dangerous to pull away from because he has a partner who is truly open.

Maybe I'm afraid of wanting more, of the part of me that wants more.

What If I let myself love him? I mean let myself love him in that tender open way that goes against every rule. I'm not sure I'm capable of it, I have too many barriers. It is easier for me to love in that completely 'you're over there' way.

He says S is his dream, he wants to be like S, is he trying to move there with Di? I don't see how that's really possible.

I'm struggling with the paradigm and I've been at it a lot longer. For me know it is a struggle at how to get closer.
lilkellyg: (Default)
I wonder if I write about my feelings about JM if that will help me find more balance, or at the very least help me achieve the balance that I seem to be lacking.

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lilkellyg

June 2010

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