Jun. 4th, 2010

lilkellyg: (Default)
So, she can’t get over the fact that we all fucked…FFS. SHE was involved eh? She was even an instigator and NOW she’s going to be so jealous she wants to eradicate me from their lives, meaning not just hers but HIS. I’ve been wavering back and forth between hurt and anger. Yes, I’m hurt and angry.

I will confess to the fact that having been ok with things before, the line she has drawn in the sand which now excludes me from existence has pushed me over the edge and yes whereas before I was ok, lately I’ve felt some jealousy.

What before was sweet and ok has become painful. He was showing me pictures of her, of her kids, of his family and friends…mostly the ‘family and friends’ part hurt because of the now clear delineation that I will NEVER meet them, can never meet them because of HER line.

He told me two days ago to change my number so she can’t harass me. I refuse to do that and the fact that he can’t even see why befuddles me.

Last night I finally told him that yes I was angry and hurt. He had seen me cry the other day but he didn’t know what about. So now he knows it was about him, about losing a friend in him. It doesn’t matter that HE wants to keep me in his life, because I can only remain there by being hidden and ‘reduced’ so as to not threaten her and I can’t really thrive there that way. So, I’ve been mourning what I see as his loss.

I’m not sure he can understand because he doesn’t think he’s going to lose anything…he’s a ok with with furtive phone calls to me and nothing more.

I don’t expect his knowing to change anything but at least it is known. He said he feels better to know too.

I suppose it gives me some insight into how S must feel about my life, a life he has no part of. It was one of the reasons I wanted him to meet my son. My son is very important to me. I would have him meet JM too if the opportunity should arise. Maybe I will too. I am done with this secret stuff.

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lilkellyg

June 2010

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