Apr. 21st, 2010

lilkellyg: (Default)
I have been feeling very frustrated lately and it seems almost impossible the idea of trying to tease out the whys.

So, I’m going to take it as a calling to develop myself in some way. One of these ways MUST be external. I have a need for more friendship and I keep ignoring it because of fear and my need to feel safe and not face rejection.

Speaking of my internal tick-tockings.

I was telling my parents of my fight with JM over the dinner table and their individual reactions were interesting and telling.

I told of how I get to the point in an argument or discussion where I realize we are not going to see eye to eye and I don’t want to fight anymore so I say “I don’t care” or “do what you want” and that by the time I say it I really mean it but that JM takes it as ‘negative’ and doesn’t understand it.

My Mom lights up and I see this resonates with her and validates her experience of me and she says “well that does sound like you, you do get negative”. My Dad sort of looks at her and rolls his eyes. It was funny,

I went on to say it is my way of saying ‘we are not seeing eye to eye here, you obviously have a need to press forward in your way and I don’t seem to care so much, I have a need to be at peace, so do what you think is right and lets stop arguing’. Most of the time, 99% of the time, by the time I get to that point I MEAN it, I’m done arguing and I want and need for the arguing to end MUCH more than I care who is right. Sometimes I don’t concede, but a lot of the times I do which can have a cumulative damage to my relationship with the person.

So I have to examine that and examine better ways of handling disagreements, even if it is simply stating my disagreement but refusal to fight so at least I feel the person has heard my stance.

I tend to choose assertive people as friends and so I spend a lot of time ‘making peace’.

My Dad is exactly the same way and that is why he has always resonated with me. My Mom would NEVER be able to relate to someone who wasn’t that way.

People who are so ‘strong minded’ do NOT understand why someone like me would choose peace over getting my way, and I think they disrespect the ‘giving up’ or ‘loser’ attitude but in some sense that is such a blind and shallow way of viewing the world.

Nonetheless I need to learn to hold my lines a little stronger.

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lilkellyg

June 2010

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