Mar. 25th, 2010

lilkellyg: (Default)
Well my pre-approval letter came in digital form yesterday and in hard copy today. I'm going to talk to them this weekend and find out how much they're asking for.

Last night the instructor / director of the aviation academy called to tell me he has a great job he'd like to get for me and that he wants my resume ASAP. He expressly asked me if I’m able to move, if I have a lease or mortgage, etc.

How flipping weird is that?

I sent him the resume, just because, why not play with fate. He is going to edit it for me and send it back. Interesting! He wouldn't edit JM's.

So good stuff...but

I found myself extremely down today, the whole prospect of buying a house and having no one to share it with is very lonesome.

I also discovered a feeling of envy in me for what JM and Di have, each other, and his recent promotion, etc.

This is SHOCKING to me.

And then S and LW are talking of buying a house, and...well, he doesn't even remember to send me things he says he will. It is HARD not to compare, not to be jealous.

I feel like a leaf in autumn. Something is wrong with me,I feel dried up, without juice, I feel almost ready to fall from the tree.

I NEED to start taking better care of myself so I don’t feel so depleted and hopeless. Because really it is an affront to God to be as sad as I am considering all the blessings I have.

It is ok to be excited, but boy now am I confused about what to do. REALLY confused.

We'll see. Would I dare move and sacrifice my kids happiness for mine??????

Can I find a way to be happy when I'm dying here on this tree, dying.

I wish I could find a solution, some solutions, why can't I find a nice white guy and settle down and be happy like I'm 'supposed' to??? Why has all this happened to me?

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lilkellyg

June 2010

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